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Canada Goes to Hell

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Rod Extra on the Ordinary Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 8:50 pm Posts: 12821	Canada Goes to Hell http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.c ... =printable Quote: Canada Goes To Hell Legal pot? Legal gay marriage? Universal health care? What's next, free porn and candy? - By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist Wednesday, December 15, 2004 Did you hear the screams? Did you feel the menacing chill? Did you see the black and ominous clouds, moving north? Did you sense, in other words, the very presence of Satan himself as he laughed maniacally and tossed around bucketfuls of ultrathin condoms and little travel-size packets of Astroglide like confetti while riding his Harley Softail up to Toronto or maybe Edmonton to join the ghastly and sodomitic celebrations? Because it's happened. Canada's high court just ruled that the government can, if it so desires, redefine marriage to include gay couples, which it has declared it will do almost immediately, thus solidifying Canada's place as the chilly yet mellow and gay friendly and hockey-riffic epicenter of all known hell. It's true. It's rather amazing. Gay marriage will be completely legal in Canada very soon. It's been oddly ignored in much of the U.S. media and hasn't really been much discussed among those in the terrified red states except when, deep in the night, from their respective lumpy twin beds, they whisper to each other across the room as they pop their Ambien and stroke their portfolios and curse their very genitals: oh my God what's wrong with those freakin' Canadians? I mean (they continue), I thought they loved red meat and brutish sports and manly hunting. Are they all just freaks and perverts now? Have they been sniffing too many elk pelts? Is it something in the clean and plentiful water up there? Something to do with those weird French-esque people in Quebec, maybe? I knew we should've been paying more attention to that border! Didn't I say so, honey? Didn't I say we should keep an eye on those northern weirdos after they dissed the Iraq war and legalized medical pot and sort of went about their happy and calm Canadian business whilst we here in panicky red-blooded America chewed our own karmic legs off in a paranoid and jingoistic rage? Hippies and perverts, I said! Save a few bombs for Ontario, George, I say! Let us now do the naughty math: Canada has roughly 32 million inhabitants, of whom about 75 percent are over 18, of whom it can be loosely estimated that anywhere from 2 to 8 percent are gay (depends, of course, on who you ask). All of which translates into a ballpark figure of anywhere from 1 million to 2 million gay Canadians of legal marrying age who will now eagerly laugh and kiss in the streets and confound poor reactionary born-again George W. Bush, and they will flash their wedding rings at parties and annoy all the single people, all while proving for the umpteenth time that love knows no gender limitations or legal restrictions and will trump your whiny sanctimonious religious puling any given Sunday. Heathens! It's getting more confusing by the minute, isn't it? I mean, Canada now has legal medical pot and legal gay marriage and universal health care and no known terrorist enemies and a relatively successful multiparty political system. They also have, according to U.N.'s Human Development Index, one of the highest qualities of life in the world. All coupled with a dramatically reduced rate of gun violence and far better gun-control legislation than the U.S., despite having the exact same per capita rate of gun ownership and gun-sport enthusiasm. What the hell? How is this possible? Why aren't they scared to death like whiny red-state Americans? Why don't they want to kill each other along with anything that might threaten their access to televised hockey and cheap beer and yummy poutine? Aren't they aware of what's happening in the world? Don't they know they are openly hated for their freedoms and their cafÃƒÂ©s and their vinegared french fries? Aren't they human, fer Chrissakes? Oh, red states. How confused and irritated you must be. After all, unlike the U.S., Canada backed the Kyoto Treaty (along with 165 other heathen nations). They also spend more per capita on education and less on health-care overhead than the U.S. They have a $10 billion federal surplus, a new record. They are not, as of yet, abusing the hell out of their vast natural resources (freshwater, huge forests, oil and natural gas, mineral deposits, etc.) and embarrassing themselves on a global scale every single day and making a mockery of their constitution or their citizens' civil liberties. What the hell is wrong with them? Yes yes, I know, Canada's universal health care is flawed and not always of the best quality, and a great many Canadians think their prime minister is a bit of a schmuck and they hate paying taxes and of course they can be all profitable and progressive when they don't have a massive bogus unwinnable war to pay for, one run by a ravenous and fiscally idiotic federal government, and they only have one-tenth of our population and one-fiftieth of our desperate consumeristic gluttony. They have it easy, right? Remember, Canada is boring. Canada is rarely in the news. Canada has no massive belching socioeconomic engine like America does, what with our NASCAR and Hollywood and Fox News and bad porn and the absolute best medical care on the planet despite how only a tiny fraction of us have access to it while the rest languish in bloated abusive HMOs and poverty and disease and 40 percent of us have no access to health care whatsoever. Take that, Canada! Oh wait. We hate gays and love guns and think pot is evil but hand out Prozac and Zoloft like Chiclets. Meanwhile (as "Bowling for Columbine" so beautifully illuminated), Canadians leave their doors unlocked and don't feature violence and death on every newscast and still value community and diversity and discussion over solipsism and protectionism and a general hatred of foreigners and the French. See? We rule! Oh wait. All of which makes you wonder: how many more countries will it take? How many more nations will have to, for example, prove that gun licensing works, or that gay-marriage legislation is a moral imperative, or that health care for all is mandatory for a nation's well being, before America finally looks at itself and says, whoa, damn, we are so silly and small and wrong? Is there any number large enough? After the announcement that gay Chinese and gay Russians may legally marry and grow lovely gardens of marijuana as they all get free dental care, will America remain terrified of nipples and queers? Canadians. So mellow. So laid back. So gay. So not producing any truly superlative modern-rock music or ultraviolent buddy-cop movies and not actively siccing Wal-Mart or Starbucks or Paris Hilton on the rest of the world like a **** cancer. They're just so ... nice. And boring. And calm. And solid. And friendly. And they simply beat us senseless on the whole open-minded, progressive thing. Kicked our flag-wavin' butts. Trounced our egomaniacal self-righteous selves and made the red states look even more foolish and backward than the whole world already knows them to be. They did it. Canada made the whole gay marriage issue look effortless and obvious and healthy, and a massive black rain of hellfire did not pour down upon them and the very idea of hetero marriage did not immediately explode and their economy did not unravel like all the sneering cardinals and right-wing nutballs screamed it would. We must ask, one last time: what the hell is wrong with them? Oh wait. Maybe we should rephrase. What the hell, we should be asking, is wrong with us? Just thought it was an interesting read :wink: _________________ Best Actress 2008
Sat Dec 18, 2004 3:19 pm

Eagle Site Owner Joined: Wed Sep 15, 2004 1:09 pm Posts: 14631 Location: Pittsburgh	When all else fails. Blame Canada. KJ
Sat Dec 18, 2004 3:32 pm

Beeblebrox All Star Poster Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2004 9:40 pm Posts: 4679	I remember the Daily Show segment about right-wing Canadians wanting to move out and come to the US, where they felt they'd be welcomed by more like-minded conservatives. And the reaction from those like-minded American conservatives? "Stay the hell out of our country." Hilarious. Ah, conservatives.
Sat Dec 18, 2004 3:34 pm

Box Extraordinary Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2004 12:52 am Posts: 25990	Maybe it's just the busy state of being a college student (well, for me it's busy, what with all the Dantes and Shakespeares to read), but how the hell do you Americans find the free time to make so much fuss over these issues? I've noticed that it takes a lot of time to blow things out of proportion and make it look as if the world is coming to an end. It just surprises me that the US, which is supposedly the most productive country in the world, would be willing to spend so much time and effort on all that. Or maybe its business is precisely that? See, I think that the overbearing nature of the United States that has allowed it to be such a great success is what makes it overreact as well; America is the ultimate drama queen. That being said, I think the commentator's last question, "What the hell, we should be asking, is wrong with us?", should be changed to: "What the hell is wrong with some aspects of our culture, in relation to that of others, and what the hell is right with other aspects thereof?", because there is an admirable strain of idealism that the United States has that Canada doesn't. In its efforts to suit everybody, this country has virtually abandoned any definite set of convictions. For as long as nothing offends anyone, and everything is politically correct, things seem fine. And they would be, if it weren't for the fact that this often comes so close to apathy that it is really scary. Consider gay marriage being passed not because Canada cares about its gays and lesbians, but because of how little it cares. I honestly don't know which is the case. _________________ In order of preference: Christian, Argos MadGez wrote: Briefs. Am used to them and boxers can get me in trouble it seems. Too much room and maybe the silkiness have created more than one awkward situation. My Box-Office Blog: http://boxofficetracker.blogspot.com/ Last edited by Box on Sat Dec 18, 2004 3:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Sat Dec 18, 2004 3:42 pm

Dkmuto Forum General Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2004 1:00 am Posts: 6502	Beeblebrox wrote: I remember the Daily Show segment about right-wing Canadians wanting to move out and come to the US, where they felt they'd be welcomed by more like-minded conservatives. Samantha Bee: "Lose the beret, sir. Those red state folks may think it looks a little too French, and frankly, a little faggy." I love it.
Sat Dec 18, 2004 3:42 pm

Rod Extra on the Ordinary Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 8:50 pm Posts: 12821	It'd be pretty bad if Canada did go to hell. I don't know if them crazies could deny the effects of grobal warming after such an event. _________________ Best Actress 2008
Sat Dec 18, 2004 4:29 pm

Beeblebrox All Star Poster Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2004 9:40 pm Posts: 4679	Rod wrote: It'd be pretty bad if Canada did go to hell. I don't know if them crazies could deny the effects of grobal warming after such an event. It'd take a lot more than Canada going to hell to get them to recognize global warming.
Sat Dec 18, 2004 4:33 pm

Anonymous	Legal pot? Legal gay marriage? Universal health care? What's next, free porn and candy? $50 says that guy got a C- in logic.
Sat Dec 18, 2004 4:42 pm

MikeQ. The French Dutch Boy Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2004 8:28 pm Posts: 10266 Location: Mordor, Middle Earth	The article seems to be "supporting" Canada if anything. They jab at us quite a bit, but ultimately they're saying why the hell are so many Americans overreacting. Gets ready for a heavily political person to tear me apart. I found the article quite amusing, but worth nothing. I didn't learn anything from it. PEACE, Mike
Sat Dec 18, 2004 9:31 pm

dolcevita Extraordinary Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 11:24 pm Posts: 16061 Location: The Damage Control Table	No need to tear you apart Mike, you hit the nail on the head of course. But I think that was the point, it wasn't poking much at Canadians as it was poking fun of what American homophobes think of the Canadians. The healthcare and pot were secondary points, but hey, it actually was pretty funny (to me) though I realize its probably offensive to others. Meh. But they're offensive too, so I'll throw in my support behind an article like this any day.
Sat Dec 18, 2004 9:47 pm

Beeblebrox All Star Poster Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2004 9:40 pm Posts: 4679	MikeQ. wrote: The article seems to be "supporting" Canada if anything. Absolutely. Obviously the writer is being ironic.
Sat Dec 18, 2004 9:49 pm

DP07 The Thirteenth Floor Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 2:26 am Posts: 15553 Location: Everywhere	MikeQ. wrote: The article seems to be "supporting" Canada if anything. They jab at us quite a bit, but ultimately they're saying why the hell are so many Americans overreacting. Gets ready for a heavily political person to tear me apart. I found the article quite amusing, but worth nothing. I didn't learn anything from it. PEACE, Mike Welcome back to the forum.
Sat Dec 18, 2004 9:51 pm

A. G. Draughty Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 9:23 am Posts: 13347	The whole gay Canadian marriage thing seems redundant.
Sat Dec 18, 2004 9:52 pm

Rod Extra on the Ordinary Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 8:50 pm Posts: 12821	Beeblebrox wrote: MikeQ. wrote: The article seems to be "supporting" Canada if anything. Absolutely. Obviously the writer is being ironic. ....maybe even a little sarcastic? :wink: _________________ Best Actress 2008
Sat Dec 18, 2004 10:06 pm

rusty rustiphica Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 7:59 pm Posts: 8687	Didn't like the article. Stick to the point. He jumps from anti-canada(I know it's sarcasm) to pro-canada too many times it my head started to hurt.
Sat Dec 18, 2004 11:54 pm

Terminator1997 George A. Romero Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 10:30 pm Posts: 9773 Location: Enjoying a cold pint	canadian beer rules
Sat Dec 18, 2004 11:55 pm

A. G. Draughty Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 9:23 am Posts: 13347	Terminator, your avatar is more disturbing than Lecter's. Which is hard to do.
Sat Dec 18, 2004 11:57 pm

Terminator1997 George A. Romero Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 10:30 pm Posts: 9773 Location: Enjoying a cold pint	Archie Gates wrote: Terminator, your avatar is more disturbing than Lecter's. Which is hard to do. haha thanks....i try
Sun Dec 19, 2004 12:01 am

Rod Extra on the Ordinary Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 8:50 pm Posts: 12821	rusty wrote: Didn't like the article. Stick to the point. He jumps from anti-canada(I know it's sarcasm) to pro-canada too many times it my head started to hurt. Ummm, he does stick to the point, there is not jumping around whatsoever, so you need a better excuse for disliking the article :wink: _________________ Best Actress 2008
Sun Dec 19, 2004 3:15 pm

rusty rustiphica Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 7:59 pm Posts: 8687	Rod wrote: rusty wrote: Didn't like the article. Stick to the point. He jumps from anti-canada(I know it's sarcasm) to pro-canada too many times it my head started to hurt. Ummm, he does stick to the point, there is not jumping around whatsoever, so you need a better excuse for disliking the article :wink: Actually that's my reason for disliking the article. :wink:
Sun Dec 19, 2004 5:51 pm

lovemerox Forum General Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 10:16 pm Posts: 6499 Location: Down along the dixie line	rusty wrote: Rod wrote: rusty wrote: Didn't like the article. Stick to the point. He jumps from anti-canada(I know it's sarcasm) to pro-canada too many times it my head started to hurt. Ummm, he does stick to the point, there is not jumping around whatsoever, so you need a better excuse for disliking the article :wink: Actually that's my reason for disliking the article. :wink: How do you think he jumps around? _________________
Sun Dec 19, 2004 5:54 pm

rusty rustiphica Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 7:59 pm Posts: 8687	lovemerox wrote: rusty wrote: Rod wrote: rusty wrote: Didn't like the article. Stick to the point. He jumps from anti-canada(I know it's sarcasm) to pro-canada too many times it my head started to hurt. Ummm, he does stick to the point, there is not jumping around whatsoever, so you need a better excuse for disliking the article :wink: Actually that's my reason for disliking the article. :wink: How do you think he jumps around? I just hated his constant use of sarcasm.
Sun Dec 19, 2004 5:58 pm
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Canada Goes to Hell

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