I forward you to http://www.worldofkj.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=521

Listen, Box. I know your attracted to me. But im really not into the penis thing, or the whole hideously ugly cavetroll thing! Im sorry!

See? Michael, stop trying to lure me into your world!

My virginal youthful naivity is being threatened

fug.

Thought you might get a laugh out of this.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005570461,00.html

I read it in the paper this morning

That woman is a supermodel? Right.

Stats update

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These statistics do not include my own ip adress. Ie my hits are excluded automatically.

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Those numbers are some freaky shit! Its obviously some kind of conspiracy!

I like to update you guys about the sites progression because Its really you guys that are responsible for inflicting this pain on the world. Congrats to you all for being fabulous and reading this trife.

I hope your all now as fucking sick of celebrities as I am.

Colin Farrell is an exhausted drug addict!



I really, really don't care about celebrities enough to say much. Infact im kind of questioning why I have a column that rags on celebrities when I don't really dislike many of them at all. I don't know these people Nor do I give a crap what they put on their face or up their nose and whom they are having sex with. Whatever. If you take what im saying seriously, famous people, then you probobly deserve this. And im going to keep pretending this is all a jibe at the media for their wierd sensationalisation and not the service you all deserve for the public stupidity you display. Promise. Notice how I don't make fun of celebrities that don't do stupid and annoying things? Think about that Jennifer Lopez.

[image courtesy of jlobronx.com. Yes her fans actually post images of her looking like that.]

With that little rant out of the road I guess im kind of dissapointed that Colin Farrell wasn't admitted for his addiction to any of the other drugs he proudly claims to have taken. Which reads like an inventory of L.A.P.D's "police recreation area". No wonder Colins so exhausted, all that sex with Joel Schumachermust be a little tiring.

It's she and I, you stupid bitch

Bad grammar and typos are all part of the allure of hatred!

Shes evil! And fug!

The Deli 2005 Honours List!

In the good spirit of Christmas I've decided to go easy on the rich and famous with this post. Infact, some would say im going to be nice. Just a little present from me to them that serves as a thank you for being so entertaining [which is their job] and a kind of sorry or redemption from me because i sometimes cry myself to sleep because of this column. Its kind of our first annual olive branch to say "Look, we might make fun of you - but we don't hate you! We just find you terribly entertaining" because if anyone sees "The Deli" as a new and exciting way to hate celebrities - then your not really getting the point of the column. We're more about hating on the paparazzi by making fun of the images they make of celebrities. True story!

Anyway heres the stars who have made us laugh, shout, cry and vomit violently throughout 2005; and we love them for it. Take this as a Deli hall of 2005 fame. The women in this list graduate from the Deli School of Evilness with honours for having endured a beating and still come out looking hot. Well. Kind of.

Christina Aguilera ['Slutty Pancakes']

Little Pink Christina Aguilera Monsters.
Why I Love Them: Okay so I've got a history of strongly disliking Christina Aguilera. But to be fair to Christina, She's provided this column, courtesy of South Park, with "Little Pink Christina Aguilera Monsters" and all of it's cousins. She's also constantly providing stories of interest such as her quotes on Britney Spears, her messages to Britney Spears, her affiliation with Britney Spears and the good times she once had with Britney Spears. Oh yeah and shes a one man slut so theres plenty of scope for hilarity there! Id imagine a conversation between us would be like "Stop talkin shit about me bitch or i'll scratch your eyes out" before she scratches my eyes out!
Why I hate Them: Her music is painfully bad. She acts like shes the saviour and empowerment icon for women and general odd people across the world but infact she sells records by taking her clothes off; a nasty contradiction that is part of what feels like a big sales con. Isn't Britney Spears.
Deli 2005 Ranking: #10
Greatest Deli Moment: Christina Aguilera is slutty pancakes right now!

Paris Hilton ['Womb lice']

If its itchy, you've probobly slept with Paris Hilton.
Why I Love Them: Everyone seems to hate her. She's stupid, annoying and really has no talent whatsoever apart from being drunk and saying "thats hot" a whole fucking lot. But Paris works the media like no other and I guess she deserves kudos for that. She's made a global name for herself simply by being a whore and you know, shes a person too!
Why I hate Them: Can't sing for shit. Is annoying. Sleeps around more than you. She has a lazy eye.
Deli 2005 Ranking: #9
Greatest Deli Moment: Paris hates Paris!


Jessica Simpson ['Pimpson']

Wait, did I sleep with you already this week?
Why I Love Them: Dumb as a fucking rock and hotter than the fucking rock, Jessica Simpson is the All American Idiot who's never stopped providing everyone with ammunition all year. In between alleged infidelities, collagen lips and shockingly sexy music videos - she's happily sold her soul to reality tv to inject her career with a pulse. She's also happily helped the Deli grow on the back of her mounds of joy. Yes, Her breasts have provided more interest for this column than any other article. Wonder why? Also a winning point - in the Dukes of Hazzard lawsuit the WB said this of her "Jessica Simpson is extremely hot right now"
Why I hate Them: She made Ashlee Simpson famous. Still keeps slaughtering classic songs. Is saturative and irritating. Sometimes thinks its okay to wear clothes. Cheated on her husband. Largely the reason for the global spread of stupidity.
Deli 2005 Ranking: #8
Greatest Deli Moment: Jessica Simpson's parking lot boobs are so real right now!

Tara Reid ['Frankenipple']

Put that shit away!
Why I Love Them: Tara, Tara, Tara. Can you believe your 30 already? Dosen't seem like it. See when you turn 25 your generally expected to get your shit together and sober up for a few years before you come crashing down to the realisation that your getting older and your still single and need someone to complete you through the sanctity of marriage and childbirth. I love Tara Reid because she completely totally fucking forgot her birthday and still thinks shes 18. I also love her because she likes to vomit all over her fake breasts and let her tits pop out at random events. I like her the most though because she sits next to Paris Hilton and actually makes Paris look good. Thats a task that few women have achieved.
Why I hate Them: Starred in a Uwe Boll movie.
Deli 2005 Ranking: #7
Greatest Deli Moment: Tara Reid robbed by gypsies!

Katie Holmes ['Snaggletooth']

When Xenu arrives in his DC-8 you'll be screewed!
Why I Love Them: Shes contractually obliged to Tom Cruise in the wierdest and most entertaining public romance i think we've ever been subjected to. Shes basically been walking about like a zombie ever since she met Tom Cruise and she's smart in the sense that in one short year shes become the most famous young actress across the world. No publicity is bad publicity indeed.
Why I hate Them: Shes totally doing a deal with satan or something. Its Rosemary's Baby all over again.
Deli 2005 Ranking: #6
Greatest Deli Moment: The Emancipation of Snaggletooth

Lindsay Lohan ['Chlamydia Zerekton']

I'll have boobs with that, please.
Why I Love Them: I love dem titties! Lindsay Lohan could probobly get away with top celebrity of the year on her rack alone, but she did actually die her hair blonde, bleach her freckles and become like a twig thanks to, what certain sources say, an unhealthy addiction to a certain something. The original, 2004 era Lohan had big, lucious boobies and fiery red hair - she was jailbait of the highest order and that worked for Christina and Britney. Her boobs faded but when they returned, they did so with little warning and a lot of lactose! She started the now infamous "boobwatch" and give tiny little boob scientists jobs that they never would have gotten with the spiraling employment rates of tiny boob scientists thanks to the spiraling rates of actresses who have breasts. She finally came to her senses later in the year and died her hair to black and then red again and started feeding her breasts small children.
Why I hate Them: Easily the most annoying celebrity of 2005. Too Skinny. Her music is god awful. She hasn't actually like, starred in anything for a while but seems to always be everywhere. Is totally unprofessional and supposedly vapid.
Deli 2005 Ranking: #5
Greatest Deli Moment: Boobwatch Day 5

Britney Spears['Titney']

Have a baby one more time!
Why I Love Them: I wont deny it. I like Britney Spears. She tries to live life like a normal person [which the press carefully manufacture and label as "trailer trash"] she rebelled against the perfectly crafted pop image that was destroying her life before it even started after being a teenager under public scrutiny that no one her age has ever faced before and shes risen above all the obsticles to remain one of the most powerful women on earth six years after everyone said shed be a flash in the pan. Love or hate her, you have to respect Britney Spears for being a smart buisnesswoman. I like Britney Spears because she give the tabloids the middle finger and is both the embodiment of glossy star as well as the direct opposite, I like her because shes stayed true to her roots, I like her because she has a clear distinction between "superstar" and "real person", I like her most of all because shes sexually manipulative.
Why I hate Them: Kevin Federline.
Deli 2005 Ranking: #4
Greatest Deli Moment: Britney Swamp Odour

Bai Ling ['Vagina Ling']

Like a virgin!
Why I Love Them: Shes perhaps the most akward extrovert in known history; Bai Ling likes to look like white trash even though you know deep down inside shes just a girl who'd rather be knitting a Chinese flag and reminiscing about her horrible life in China. Bai's had it rough; so it's no wonder shes a little fucked up. But this really has been her year. Between getting axed from Star Wars after showing her titties in Playboy to appearing in VH1's "But Can they Sing" and proving that the human voice is the most worrying weapon of mass destruction in known history, Bai has really registered on the fame richter for all the classic wrong reasons this year - but shes so crazy and just genuinely bizarre that it makes her more endearing and exciting than anyone else on her fame richter. Her "oh shit shes going to fall over" stripteases on VH1 could go down as the most memorable moments of the year; Bai has been universally loved by the gossip community for her tawdry fashion sense and horrifying singing voice, but as with most celebrities that are featured on this site - she dosen't seem to care about...well anything.
Why I hate Them: Her singing voice caused lasting damage to all five of my senses. Aside from that theres no possible reason to hate this Pocketsized Prostitute
Deli 2005 Ranking: #3
Greatest Deli Moment: Bai Ling dethrones Elvis


Hilary Duff ['Horsery Duff, Furious D, Can of Horse Beans']

Neiighh room in the stables!
Why I Love Them: Poor Hilary. She's had it tough from all sides this year, and she seems like shes a nice girl despite what we'd all like to think on account of her HUGE HORSE TEETH. [seriously, I can't get past those teeth]. Hilary is just a teenager and continously faces public scrutiny that no insecure teen should face [and usually leads to rebellion on the Britney Spears scale]. She seems to be trying her best to you know, be able to sing. She's a hardworker. She also provides little girls across the world with happiness from her annoying brand of shallow pop music, which at the end of the day is all that matters [even if everyone else hates it]. Her "Beat of My Heart" video is actually very good when you mute your television set. But I love Hilary Duff most of all because of her HUGE HORSE TEETH. Seriously, the girl had a stroke of publicity genius right there. Incredibly entertaining. I really like imagining her as my pet horse and will continue to do so for the forseeable future.
Why I hate Them: Probobly the worst singer right in any musical genre right now. Hilary takes decent pop songs and kills them with total lack of any vocal competence at all.
Deli 2005 Ranking: #2
Greatest Deli Moment:Furious D is the First Horse!

Mariah Carey ['Salamimi']

All I want for Christmas is Salamimi Carey!
Why I Love Them: The True Queen of the Deli! Salamimi basically provided this column with the ammunition it needed whenever things got slow. She's flamboyant, sassy, exciting, wired to the fucking cocaine filled moon and regularly transitions between beautiful and scary. Her singing voice is undeniably great and her album "The Emancipation of Mimi" is easily the top selling album of the year in America. The greatest comeback in recent memory - Mimi has returned from press savage with an attitude of "Its okay that this bitch is holding my cup for me to drink from. Ive fucking earned it! So shut the fuck up and let me smile." and thats always nice. She seems ironically genuine and I say, if you can afford to chaffeur your dog in a Limosine across the country, then why the fuck not? Also; I have a weak spot for "Shake it Off" and "All I Want for Christmas".
Why I hate Them: I don't. Shes been the most consistently entertaining person throughout the year.
Deli 2005 Ranking: #1
Greatest Deli Moment: Everyone Loves Salamimi Carey!

Barbara Striesand is old and jewish

Remember, back in the day when you kicked your abacus over the wall? Remember the old bitch that used to come out warning you to stop kicking your abacus at her tulips? Remember that one day when you kicked your new abacus over and she ran out and beat your best friend to death with a fire poker before bribing you with softcore pornography to keep hush before she burried your friend under her flowerbed and you told his parents he had run away and then they put his face on all the milk cartons?

Well that old bitch is Barbara Streisand! In the least interesting and possibly most ludicrous non-news ever, Barbara Streisand has cancelled her Los Angeles Times subscription after her favourite writer got fired and then she whined about it in the hope that they'd re-hire them. [The Always Reliable ContactMusic]

I'll give you a minute to get your shit together. I know I dropped that news without a little warning there and I understand if you need a moment just to take it all in, it's okay. I'll wait.

Actually no I wont. Bye.

What does her being Jewish have to do with any of it? It's because she's a hardcore liberal that she cancelled. I mean, not saying she isn't a bitch, for all I know, she might be, but meh.


Streisand

I sense a lot of sexual tension between Box and Michael in this thread.

When have any of the titles on this thread had anything really to do with the story?

That's a trick question. As if I check this thread out on a consistent basis

Yeah, As if.

I feel as if you are trying to beat me for biggest Deli follower...

*slaps Box*

Back off! Get your own manwich

The Delis Movie Lowdown for Christmas

Note: Due to the high level of formatting in the original article - its recommended that you view this item at the Deli site. No formatting has been carried over into this article, including links.

Sorry for being away. Our internet connection sucks. Just like you when your up Bareback Mountain. What's the deal with that movie anyway? Is it suddenly en vouge to go watch guys grope and make out with each other? Because the last time i checked enjoying that made you a bit, say homosexual.

I, being the bastion of hetrosexuality that I am - have to put my foot down and draw a line at wearing pink and watching gay cowboys have sex and have little male manwhoores suck my toes. From what I've seen it looks like Jake and Heath need to learn the difference between kissing and trying to rip the skin off of each others faces with their mouths. No wonder Jakes dating Kirsten Dunst - that way when he eats her face off no one will be able to tell the difference. She'll still be a fugslug.

Speaking of Fugslugs. Heres Sarah Jessica Parker practising for her role in The Ring 3: The Spooked Horse's Ugly Stick.



Since this has suddenly become a whats on at the movies style article. Let's talk about Pony Parker's latest "The Family Stone" I hear its kind of crappy which is too bad because I actually want this horse to succeed. Kind of like I would for Horsery Duff if her career didn't involve her singing. SJP was always the pride of the stables i worked at.

In other news King Kong is a box office dissapointment and film geeks everywhere are moving onto stronger medication and rocking back and forth holding their Lord of the Rings boxsets. Im guessing that casting Jack Black in a serious role had very little to do with the box office failings - but since we need a figure of blame....lets make it Adrien Brody. Who's nose is annoying me right now. Apparently he thinks that his toned bod is going to sell this movie to me. Im thinking hes confused about what movie he starred in and is promoting Bareback Mountain before crawling into Jakes trailer with a thong in his mouth. Gross.

In other movies "Fun With Dick and Jane" stinks like ass according to critics. Im not fucking surprised - Jim Carrey and Tea Leoni look more annoying than Lindsay Lohan's left boob when shes skinny in the posters.


Casanova is "A Delightfully Silly Romp" according to one critic. Usually that'd mean "This movie sucks harder than your grandma after she dropped her false teeth and saliva started spooling out over her Christmas Jumper" but in this case it means "This movie is so fucking awesome go and see it right now!" because Lasse Hallstrom directed it and he's like a legend. Also: Spy Mommy from Alias Lena Olin is in it, and Sienna Miller actually looks like she could possibly be decent. As opposed to looking like a crazy slutty paparazzi beating bitch.

Jennifer Aniston's hot tits can't seem to carve a film career for her. Her new movie Rumour Has It is getting horsey reviews. At least it's not as bad as Derailed. I bet Paris Hilton was on set when this shit was filmed. That bitch is such a jinx she'd be all like

PzHil: Hey Jennifer Aniston. Your hot
JeAn: Uhh...Sure. Like. Right. Where's my coffee? Would you like to see my boobs?
PzHil: Hot.
JeAn: WHAT!? NO I WONT SHOW YOU MY BOOBS YOU WHORE ILL SUE YOUR ASS!
PzHil: That's my favourite position. Sue my Ass style.
JeAn: Psst. I'll show you my boobs.

Thats totally how that shit went and you know it!

So the Deli's recommendations for this Christmas? [In this Order]
Casanova - Because Chocolat was hot shit and Lena Olin is sexy
King Kong - Because everyones raving about it and Gorillas are sexy
Narnia - Because it's story is some sexy baggins and Tilda Swinton is sexy.
Memoirs of a Geisha - Because it probobly sucks but the entire cast is sexy.
That Gay Cowboy Movie - Just because.

If you see "Cheaper By the Dozen II" or "The Producers" then you should probobly follow it up with a nice big dose of self harm.

This is true, and a whole generation of kids is going to be screwed up because the symbolic incarnation of evil is doable.

Ricky Martin is SO gay.





Just for Team KGAY and Andaroo. Big images at the deli and dlisted.

HAHA yay

Honestly the only way i can see him looking gayer is walking around with a dildo in his ass singing a Christina Aguilera song.

Speedos....REALLY NOW!? SPEEDOS!?

I think the image file name says it all

"Ricky Martin Gay Explosuion_1.jpg"

with the _1 being a strong indicator that this is not an isolated incident.

This page alone is gayer than the entire Ye Olde Pube

And you thought it wasnt possible!