his name sounds like a drink. That is your only clue!

OH MY GOD

Christian Ale

Heh, a fiver bets that the twist is that she really isn't dying, but from her last three weeks she's realized how to truly live in happiness.

Exactly. You've read the originals sypnosis on IMDB havent you ?

Are there even any action stars these days? Hard to think of one who might be gay cause there's not many at all straight or gay.

Bai Ling dethrones Elvis as musical mastermind of our time

I know what you were thinking after last weeks "But can they sing?" ...."When is Bai Ling going to do a rehash of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" in which she strips from a hideous suit, flings a glass into the air and pelvically thrusts like a woman in labour on the side of the stage before screaming at random intervals in not so much ecstacy as extreme pain?

Well my friends, the answer to that question is: NOW!

Or Perhaps you were wondering, "When is Bai Ling going to recreate the wonderful classic "Summer Nights" from the hit musical "Grease" in which she thrusts her ass towards Carmine Gotto Agnello when he sings "She was good ,if you know what I mean?" and she proves that there actually is someone more tone deaf than herself, forementioned Carmine, who seems to be trying to reach his Christina Aguilera octave but is hitting more of his William Hung one!?"

Listen to Bai lovingly slaughter another classic HERE.

Don't thank me all at once. Actually...send your gratitiude to PR[at]bailing[dot]com
Just remember, in two years when Bai Ling is recieving a Grammy for Outsanding Contribution of Music; that you knew her first.

You know how everyone has The Killers album; "Wehey Too Much Fuss" but your sure that you knew them before anyone else; and are slightly threatened that you have just had a chunk of individualism ripped from you? Well the same thing will happen when Bai Ling makes it big. So enjoy name dropping her like shes some sort of musical revolution while you still can, and just make sure none of your friends watch VH1. Seriously. Im just looking out for you.

In a couple of years everyone will be like "Oh my god, have you heard Bai Ling's "Emancipation of the Camel Hiding In My Throat" ? It's soooooo goood OMG!!!Lice of the Womb is my favourite!"

And you'll be all like
"Bitch, puh-leeze; I have her limited edition DEBUT "My Vagina Got Lost This One Time When I Misplaced It: Special Edition" so how about THAT!" You'll be SO cool and everyone will be SO jealous.

Sylvester's tall one?

My bet goes to Vin Diesel. Skinhead, vaguely effeminate voice, skin-tight t-shirts and a sexy, muscular, lickable body. Gay as a treeful of parakeets.

aherm......

Or perhaps it's Dwayne Johnson. Imagine if he and Zach Braff were to start up a relationship!

It'd be JD on the rock's...

... bottom that is!!

Ha ha ha ha!!

Sigh.

may I join you on the . . erm . . . dipship?

No, you were right the first time

It's very exclusive. There may be a place for you in steerage.

Lohan Boobwatch: Day 6

Day 666 here at the Lohan Boobwatch; and after the revolution in breasty goodness in day five, day six brings new miracles. In the form of babies and jello. Some would call them Jellobabies.


caption: Lindsay Lohan wants your first born! Sings breasts satanic lullaby.

I wonder if they have little Boobstations on Lindsay Lohans breasts were tiny little scientists constantly take samples of the silicone natural breasty goodness inside to monitor any minor [and potentially catastrophic] change in boob size and breast temperature.

God forbid Lindsay's boobs got cold. Her nipples might get..all hard. Yes. That would be very not good. Very....nott....goood......indeed............k gtg do stuff bbl.

No, that's just cheesy inspirational movie 101 for you. Hehe, though my idea for the ending is like that times 10000x.

After discovering she's lived past when she was supposed to die (probably an exact day, maybe even hour), Latifah goes to the doctor:

Latifah: Damn doc, I thought I was supposed to die last night, but I woke up in the morning feeling fii-iiiiine.
Dorky comic relief doctor (think farting when he laughs, that's orginal!): Hmm, that doesn't make any sense. Marcus, could you get Ms. Latifah's X-rays for me?
Black, somewhat attractive 20-something male intern walks in: Here ya go Ted... and dayum boi, your patient got me all... impatient!
Latifah: Ohh thanks son, that's nice of you to say.
Black male intern: I'd say it any day ma'am.
Dorky comic relief doctor: Oh, you two sure are pretty cheddar!
*Silence, both Latifah and intern stare at him. Silence is broken by the dorky doctor farting out of nervousness, which causes a passing nurse to vomit wildly on a senile person's head.
Black male intern: Dayum that's nasty, I'm gonna roll out!
*Dorky comic relief doctor examines X-rays*
Doctor: Woops, look like that huge brain tumor was just a smudge. My b!
Latifah: You mean I'm gonna live! GOD YES, I'M GONNA LIVE, I'm a gonna live!
*Ferocious tiger randomly pounces on Latifah, tearing her to shreds. It stops, and she's still alive, but then the doctor farts, causing the tiger to fall down dead, squishing the top half of Latifah that was still alive.*

^ you've seen this movie before.

Mariah Carey Status: Still a Sausage


Hold on, Has Mariah Carey been keeping secrets from the world? Secrets like say a superlonglasting food preservative that could cure world hunger but Mimi is using all to herself just so she don't start to stink like dead people?

I think so. At least she's found another tight wrapper for her Salamimi body after the first one split. And surprisingly enough, I can't see her nipples anywhere in this picture.

God your lucky to have me through thanksgiving. I bet Mariah Carey is glad shes in America for thanksgiving, because in Germany, im told that they EAT sausages AND people for "Ustentrautne Schawstkieka" which is their top secret thanksgiving for White Power! Well thats what I hear, and most of what I hear is from Star magazine.

Bai Ling Wants to be Sedated, Morgan Fairchild will oblige
Well, if the Girls got a wish then who am I to deprive her of it? Oh yes, Bai Ling was once again top vagina on "But Can They Sing" as the trainwreck goes hurtling towards its finale where Bai Ling should totally win.
Aside from Bai's touching rendition; it was the same old shit! Carmine Gotti continued to be totally gay, Morgan Fairchild continued to be delluded into the idea of her=gay icon and the other people continued to be so fucking bland that I can't even remember their names!?

All that matters is that Bai Ling performed anal sex with an imaginary peacock onstage.

Meanwhile theres high drama on the set of the show [Thats, "But Can they Sing" on VH1, wake up dumbfuck] where Morgan Fairchild has been bitchin bout my little Vagina! She was all like "Dayum, Bai is makin me look unprofesh dawg" and Bai was all like" I do not have word for what you are. You are nice not" Poor Bai, shes totally not a born whoore - everytime she tries to act slutty or sexy she stumbles or cant recompose herself or some shit. Bitch needs to put a suit on and never open her mouth again! And sew her Vagina shut!

Sean Preston = Not Hideous
Well it appears that Kevin Federlines disgusting manjuices didn't make Sean Preston Spears violently disgusting after all. But still, look at the little dudes eyes! They say to me "This is all worth it, Mommies boobies are SO SO worth it"

So the verdict?
Hes cute
But incestual relations in the Spears family are going to be difficult to avoid.

P.S - Chicken of the Sea and Post Lachey news tomorrow. Im too exhausted with this shit!

Deli News:
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Horrah!

Titney and Slutina = BBFS!



Its a gay and a straight mans dream. But im guessing that gay guys will be imagining the rekindling of a friendship between pop rivals Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears slightly differently from the straight guys vision - which involves pillows, suds and skimpy underwear.


Source:BritneySpears.org
[Christina] revealed: "I sent Britney a gift basket, and she phoned me to say thanks."

Christina admits the pair have a lot of catching up to do, and says she still can't believes Britney has a baby, Sean Preston, and is married, to former dancer Kevin Federline.

She added: "I still can't believe Brit has had a baby! It's weird, you've known this person since she was a girl and now she's doing all these grown up things. It's been quite a journey for both of us. We've just ended up at different places in our lives."

Inventory of Christina Aguilera's giftbasket to Britney Spears -A dildo, a Karma Sutra book, a Whip, and a box of anthrax labeled "sherbet".

I'm also guessing that by "ending up at different places in our lives" Christina actually means "I wear lots of makeup, she wears none. I'm individual; see!" So i'm very excited at the prospect of hot lesbian sex between Christina and Britney. Jessica Simpson can come too. Now shes totally a pimpless prostitute!

Speaking of which. I'm going to cover that shit soon. But what to say? Jessica Pimpson and Nick Gaychey split up. Bohoo. Who never saw it coming for the year that they pretended to be married to buoy their careers?

Anyway the point of this article is that is really sexy that the media are making out that Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are stroking each others bussoms in a majorly sexy way and have been best best friends since forever. But its better than Christina spitting some of her vagina juice at Britney every time she opens her mouth; and Britney flinging back insults like "Shes dark", which must have been pretty insulting to Christina. I mean, Christina calls Britney every vapid name under this side of the sun, and Britney calls Christina "dark". Jeeze Xtina got OWNED!


Jennifer Garner's "Alias" hangs up sexy red wig

"Why don't you fucking just stop watching retarded shit like fucking American Idol and switch your stupid fat ass over to Alias already, bitch. Your stupid fucking husband is asleep anyway and he can't see you getting your sexual thrills from Simon Cowell's waistline. Jesus in the name of all things good for your marriage just start fucking watching Alias already! Seriously, buy a vibrator and leave that shit till Oprah!"

Thats a simulation of what Alias fans fighting for viewers for the past five years might say to the average insanely stupid American television viewer and is not at all a vent from this writer.

Anyway - the news that every Alias fan had been fighting [as "Ratings-Warriors" against the dark sided Survivor, American Idol and Law and Order] for years finally came on Wednesday.

"Alias" is to end next May after what seems like an all round cast, crew and producers agreement that its the best time for the show to end; also after crappy ratings this year due to it being placed in the worst timeslot ever.

And who do we blame for the best show of all time ever finally hitting the slab? Jennifer Garner, who's fabulously played Sydney and yet never won an Emmy despite being nominated every year of her participation in the show and gained a reputation for being the nicest actress in Hollywood whilst the movie roles pile up on her desk? Or how about Michael Vartan, who left the show this year to go do movies? JJ Abrams perhaps? He's placed Alias on the bottom of his priority list to go do Mission Impossible 3, hell hes even dumped Lost on his writers.

No. None of those people deserve the blame, YOU do! Damn you to hell for not watching "Alias"! I insist that you all go and rent seasons 1-4 straight away and then watch the fantastic season 5. The next ep is December 7th and then the 14th after "Lost" and then you've got a big assed hiatus till March when it returns to finish what it started. At which point im going to need some tara reid pictures and a support line to get me through.

On a serious note; if you are bored with television right now - i strongly suggest catching "Alias" before it ends. It's fifth season really is fantastic.

Aww, Sean Preston is cute.

It just goes to show that shows with barnyard animals just don't appeal to the average American.

Your tiny penis is so disgusting to me, please put it away because i dont have an orifice that small.

Jessica Simpson's Sitcom is the Breast!

Click Here to see a clip from the pilot of Jessica Simpsons tv show.
Then asked yourself why It didn't get picked up. Because it's totally not glaringly obvious.

I can think of the following reasons just off the top of my head.
1. Television executives are not artistic enough to appreciate the true multidimensional beauty of a sitcom that speaks to people on so many different levels.
2. Television executives have all five senses working perfectly. That includes vision and hearing. Which means that this show is pretty much shot.
3. Television executives can still smell a show that reeks so badly of comedic incompetence and general disaster that they can still single out this kind of awfulness despite the public infatuation with celebrity. So even though Kelly Ripa got herself a role as a comedy actress; Jessica Simpson's inferiority to foresaid Ripa's already disgusting awfulness sounds as a warning bell that this show possibly won't bring in the ratings like "Desperate Housewives" does.

I honestly have no idea why Jessica Simpson felt the need to actually try to be humorous in the most overwrought comedic performance in television history. The entire point of her fame is that shes unintentionally humorous. And has big boobs.

andaroo + Michael = GOLD

Your just jealous because we secretly love each other.

I am not.

But Hugo is.