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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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 Snaggletooth has Scientology Herpes! Snaggletooth has Scientology Herpes!
Just when you thought that the invasion of TomKat had went on the backburner....
SHES BACK!!!! For the 100th Post!
Quote: The controversial Church of Scientology has slammed reports one its rituals was responsible for the sores on Katie Holmes' mouth in May. Only a week after Tom Cruise and Holmes confirmed they had been dating for "a couple of weeks" in late April, the former Dawson's Creek star was photographed with several cold sores and a red rash around her mouth. While most critics believed Holmes had acquired the sores from her public kissing sessions with Cruise, several gossip columnists claimed the 26-year-old actress developed the sores after enduring a Scientology process, known as purification. Holmes has been studying the religion since she began dating her now-fiance Cruise. The alleged client of the purification is given vitamin B3 (niacin), which helps to decrease cholesterol and boost circulation. However, a spokesman for the church says, "Whatever is on Katie's face has nothing to do with us. It's insulting that you would ask such a thing."
I feel dirty right now. Herpes turn me on.
Poor Katie Holmes; its pretty clear that either shes caught Scientology Herpes from having sex with scientology "gods" [ie a goat called Babette] or shes caught something from Tom Cruise whos been having anal sex with Rob Thomas whos been having anal sex with Ryan Seacrest whos been having anal sex with Vin Diesel whos been having anal sex with every other man in Hollywood. Including James Garner.
I swear to god Tom you crazy, sexy little man; If you've given poor Katie any of your disgusting Hollywood Anal Diseases from your "Butt Nuggets" then i am so going to tell Brad Pitt that you are planning to kidnap Maddox and turn him to scientology as a "favour." He wont take kindly to that and may be forced to have sex with you; and poor angelina wont wont to kiss that butt nuggeted mouth. She may be forced to give ME rabies for comfort.
Brangelina are devout Sexiests you see .No amount of crazy herpes water can change that. They worship sex [id imagine] all day and night and then sometimes even inbetween. Infact; they are so sexy that they probobly gave their sex toys away to little orphans' - because you know, they dont really need them any more. Brads Dildo is on its way to little Matupi-Shin in Zaire.
Im trying to figure out when exactly all these Higher Echelons of Hollywood started getting STDS and rabies. I mean first Brangelina get Rabies; now Katie has Butt Nugget Scientology Herpes. What next, Julia Roberts gets crabs? Claims shes "happier than ever" and has "more on the way" ? Sandra Bullock has chlamydia [again]?
My best plan to "Free Katie" from this whole herpes cult is to make Nelly Furtado join Scientology.
Anyone whos ever seen Nelly Furtado talk will know what i mean. Im pretty sure if i spent longer than four seconds in the same room as Nelly Furtado id be forced to pull her vocal chords out with a hook. But yeah; if we can send our Weapon of Mass Furtado into the Scientology centre id hope that we could see Kelly Preston's head explode and John Travolta running out of there in a towel with Tom Cruise screaming like little girls.
Oh Katie; Im already feeling more sorry for you than i do EVERYONES FAVOURITE LITTLE JILTED LOVER Jennifer Aniston; thats pretty sad. No wonder Nicole Kidman always looks like a spooked horse these days; after going through marriage with Tom Cruise you'd be pretty messed up too.
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| Tue Jul 26, 2005 9:14 am |
 
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Tyler
Powered By Hate
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 8:55 pm
Posts: 7578
Location: Torrington, CT
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I simply can't get over that picture. 
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| Wed Jul 27, 2005 9:30 am |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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Jennifer Lopez stalks Garfleck! Jennifer Lopez stalks Garfleck!
TheSuperficial wrote: Apparently Elle magazine made Jennifer Lopez sad when they asked how she felt about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner expecting a baby. When asked of the pregnancy, she replied, "I hope that they're happy. You know, it's a beautiful thing. There are no hard feelings." But when Elle apologized for raising the subject, Lopez - who later admitted that becoming a mother is one of her ultimate dreams - responded, "Yeah, you depressed me."
I suppose Jennifer Lopez would like to think that the world actually feels bad for her now her ex-fiancee married his costar he met around the time he was engaged to Lopez and is now having a kid. However; everyone knows Jennifer Lopez is a demanding faux beatch who ruined Ben Teabag Affleck's career and demands shit that even Julia Robert's would be lucky to get. So people probobly laugh in her face. Also; the fact that Jennifer Garner is so much hotter than Jennifer Lopez that it makes peoples testicles actually explode must be a little rough on the "oh so airbrushed" Latino.
I can just picture it; Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck step out on to the red carpet seperately; making sure to appear distanced but in love throughout the night. Jennifer Lopez continues to cry all along the red carpet, whipping some poor schmuck of a servant ready to write a tell all book before arriving at Garner who flashes her giant smile; grabs Affleck and shouts "haha bitch in your FACE!" before Lopez looks to her own Marc Anthony and shoots her own eye; thankful that at least one eye will mean she can only see half of her "OMG HES SOOO FUGLY" ugly husbands face.
Im pretty sure that Jennifer Lopez is stalking the Afflecks. I mean; shes not exactly got much to look forward too in an evening with Marc Anthony. So why the hell not? I can't think of a better way to spend MY evening than following Jennifer Garner around with lubricant.
Infact; ive noticed what i think could be Jennifer Lopez in various paparazzi pics of the Afflecks. Maybe im just seeing things though
  
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| Thu Jul 28, 2005 3:56 pm |
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Raffiki
Forum General
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2004 12:14 am
Posts: 9966
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Micheal, you are starting to scare me! :???:
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Top Movies of 2009
1. Hurt Locker / 2. (500) Days of Summer / 3. Sunshine Cleaning / 4. Up / 5. I Love You, Man
Top Anticipated 2009
1. Nine
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| Thu Jul 28, 2005 5:46 pm |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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Raffiki wrote: Micheal, you are starting to scare me! :???: yay! \:D/
Kind of the purpose of this entire thread; aside from parodying the medias unhealthy obsession with all things celebrity.
And its spelt AEL!
Some people never seem to get that. Its notttt hard!
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| Thu Jul 28, 2005 6:04 pm |
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Raffiki
Forum General
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2004 12:14 am
Posts: 9966
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Michael wrote: Raffiki wrote: Micheal, you are starting to scare me! :???: yay! \:D/ Kind of the purpose of this entire thread; aside from parodying the medias unhealthy obsession with all things celebrity. And its spelt AEL! Some people never seem to get that. Its notttt hard! Sorry, first time it was brought to my attention. It won't happen again!
So, how do you pronounce it? Like the regular My-kl or Mee-ka-yel (sorry I never really got that fancy pronunciation lingo down)
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Top Movies of 2009
1. Hurt Locker / 2. (500) Days of Summer / 3. Sunshine Cleaning / 4. Up / 5. I Love You, Man
Top Anticipated 2009
1. Nine
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| Thu Jul 28, 2005 11:06 pm |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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heh its okay raffiki lots of people can't spell it.
My-kol is how you pronounce it 
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| Thu Jul 28, 2005 11:09 pm |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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Tara Reid is a lying frankenippled whore! Tara Reid is a lying frankenippled whore!
Not so long ago, Tara Reid declared she was fed up being seen as a drunken party animal when thats not at all who she is and she felt that the media victimised her.
Paris Hilton and Tara Reid recently at the VIP Room
More horrific pics of that night http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/003225.html
Okay so Tara "Omg why arent people, like taking me serioushlelely!?!?!?!?!" Reid SAID she was retiring from her wildchild image which was pretty baseless anyway; but here she is seen acting like a massive skankho out with another massive skankho in a skankho haunt.
Nice one, Tara. I want to grow up and be a big STD carrying slut just like you! I want to lose my dignity infront of the worlds paparazzi; because nothing illuminates celulite quite like the flash of an ejaculating camera.
And i really, really dont understand why the world thinks your a giant drunken slut, i mean, not like seeing your scary ass [aka where osama is hiding] when you bend over to vomit and have one hand holding your boob implant in gives anyone THAT impression.
P.S Tara, hows the frankenipple doing? I heard it was planning a vacation to Malibu. But everyone knows that Malibu is only with people for money! That makes your NIPPLE kind of SILLY!
You heard it here first; Tara Reid is an STD infected skanky slut with a frankenipple that is depressed due to it not being allowed in rich peoples malibu.
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| Fri Jul 29, 2005 10:32 pm |
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Amos
Indiana Jones IV
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:54 pm
Posts: 1585
Location: New Zealand
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Re: Tara Reid is a lying frankenippled whore! The kid's eyeballs are priceless
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Cut My Milk!
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| Sat Jul 30, 2005 2:42 am |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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Dean Cain & Teri Hatcher are cryogenically frozen! Dean Cain & Teri Hatcher are cryogenically frozen!
Today, actor Dean Cain, best known for his role as Clark Kent in "Lois and Clark" probobly wishes he was a Desperate Housewife right about now. Who knew that Teri Hatcher would go on to become superfamous the world across over 10 years after she signed on to the oh-so-corny Supes. But Dean; whos looked about 20 throughout his career, turned 39 today. Holy Kryptonite! 39! Hes a pretty damn good argument for Bottox and Chemical Peels - but then again we have Teri Hatcher proving that Bottox does infact destroy the ability to move your eyebrows. It's a toughy.
The <strike>ironing</strike> irony of it all is that hes recently signed onto a production called "Wrinkles"; following participation in such recent smash hit successes on both TV and film as "P.I.: Post Impact", "I Do (But I Don't)" "The Perfect Husband: The Laci Peterson Story " and my personal favourite. "Gentle Ben 2: Danger on the Mountain " [the follow up to the SMASH HIT tv movie...Gentle Ben] Actually its funny because i was on the set of Gentle Ben 2; and Dean Cain didn't seem that gentle. I mean he picked up this one kid and dunked him into a huge bucket off maple syrup then ATE HIM. I can only hope they hire more extras for Gentle Ben 3.
His post superman career reads as a "What not to do after starring in a huge TV series if you dont want to be typecast into horrible TV movies for the rest of your life" ie starring as a wooden [no pun intended] gay actor in denial in a gay romantic comedy which was totally gay.
Wheras Teri Hatchers reads more like "What to do after starring in a huge TV series if you want to take off your clothes this one time then be a lazy bitch before striking it lucky with a TV show that you probobly thought was going to get cancelled mid-season"
Both look like they told the grim reaper to go fuck himself and then went to Isabellea Rossilini's creepy mansion from for a hit.
Yes, Teri Hatcher stars in a show where someone who voices it over says " yes" every now and then for no other reason than being really, really smug.
Yes, 30 Million people watched the nailbiting finale of this dramedytastically dark show and Teri Hatcher is getting paid more than a league of fameseeking hussies who compromise the cast. Yes, Teri Hatcher is still incredibly hot, and Yes, Sharon Stone looks better than Christina Aguleria when they are placed side to side. [Xtina u r sooo fugly!!!1ommmggg!!!!"11]
But will Teri's newfound fame last or shall the Desperate <strike>Marcia</strike> anonymous cast member ruin it all?!? Will Dean ever get that much anticipated "Gentle Ben" finale of the trilogy in the works; or is he still set on that ridiculously high salary of $30? And will Jennifer Garner ever lift this annoying restraining order which is making my life undoubtably difficult!? All of these questions, i feel, can be answered by EXCITING then and now comparisons.
I actually think Teri Hatcher got...hotter. I really wish i could have sex with her some day. But my mum says im not allowed.
And by the way; it was seriously difficult to find a picture of Dean Cain not looking incredibly gay. Which must mean that Dean Cain is incredibly gay. I wish i could have sex with him some day; but my mum says im definately not allowed.
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Last edited by Michael. on Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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| Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:04 pm |
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are-why-a-en
MISSING IN ACTION
Joined: Fri Dec 03, 2004 7:42 pm
Posts: 4292
Location: The Beautiful Islands of San Diego
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God I love this thread.
Your writing is so amazing, ever think about writing for a magzine..i.e. Entertainment Weekly?
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| Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:10 pm |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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are-why-a-en wrote: God I love this thread.
Your writing is so amazing, ever think about writing for a magzine..i.e. Entertainment Weekly? Aww thanks Ryan, im sure you'll be behind my forthcoming change to the column then - where i start charging everyone who clicks on the thread through Paypal.
Subscribe Now and you can pay with pictures of Jennifer Garner's head, sharp cuttlery, and letters made with newspaper cuttings!
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| Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:19 pm |
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are-why-a-en
MISSING IN ACTION
Joined: Fri Dec 03, 2004 7:42 pm
Posts: 4292
Location: The Beautiful Islands of San Diego
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Michael wrote: are-why-a-en wrote: God I love this thread.
Your writing is so amazing, ever think about writing for a magzine..i.e. Entertainment Weekly? Aww thanks Ryan, im sure you'll be behind my forthcoming change to the column then - where i start charging everyone who clicks on the thread through Paypal. Subscribe Now and you can pay with pictures of Jennifer Garner's head, sharp cuttlery, and letters made with newspaper cuttings! I hate paypal..they prevent me from seeing Por---err----movie trailers.
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| Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:23 pm |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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Im confused; i thought all movie trailers were free  
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| Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:47 pm |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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Everyone Loves Salamimi Carey! Everyone Loves Salami Carey!
That cartoon, magical trevor? They should totally just replace the words Magical and Trevor with Salami and Carey.
Because everyone loves Mariah Carey. Seriously - i think even Osama Bin Laden has "The Emanicipation of Mimi". He ordered it from amazon - delivery addy - "A cave somewhere" Boy was HE surprised when he got next day delivery.
I totally didn't get the whole comeback Carey movement until last night when I was lapdancing Jerry Springer i started singing "We Belong Together" in my head and now it makes, like, so much sense!
Salamimi is my idol I wish i was bombalicious just like her.
The 20 Stages of Mariah Carey's Career.
Me wrote: 1990; Mariahs First Album is released.1. Wow im sweet, innocent and exciting. Look at all the awards im getting; don't you just love my wooly jumper 2. Hehe im still sweet but im kind of also a sexy little Christmas Rabbit. Heheh! 3. I am SO into the whole fringe movement right now - what? Yes of course im selling shitloads. 4. Wow; im not wearing a jumper right now i feel kind of naked. 5. Im like BBF's with Whitney Houston - check it out we both can sing and we both like religion so we totally teamed up to do The Prince of Egypt and we sound awesome. God im awesome all of a sudden. Everyone still loves me. 6. WAAAAH! People think im a DIVA all of a sudden, wtf? Is candles, wine and a few tigerskins too much for a girl to ask for in her dressing room. 7. I miss jumpers. I mean this whole thong/high heels thing makes me look awesome. But jumpers were cosy. 8. FFFS!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?! MY ALBUM DIDN'T GO TO #1!?!?!?!?!?!?!?FFSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! 9. Still a sexy lil diva me; filming some shitty movie that all my darling fans will totally see. 10. I had to take calm people drugs today. My new album went to number 7. Thats like; A LONG WAY away from number 1. My movie is like the biggest bomb ever. I suck. But i look awesome. 11. The critics are all being mean and saying im finished because my Greatest Hits went into the charts at number.......fi-ft-ee-too. I don't even know where that number is. I mean seriously is it near number one? I dont know  Ppl don't even luv me any more. Maybe i should put on a jumper. 12. Okay so im totally releasing a new album called Charmbraclet its gonna be the shit! 13. Wow; Charmbracelet went in at number 3. Thats like....two away from number one [ive seen it before because i like making fun at the people i beat] Told my record label to go fug themselves. GOT LOTS OF MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!14. The press are like sooo mean 2 me i need to take a break. They are all writing im having a "breakdown" because im such an isolated diva; is a "breakdown" when you see little pink people all around you praising you and telling you its going to be okay? Cuz if so then i think thats what im having. 15. Yay! Im all better and im recording a new album.....I love being a diva now how fabulous am I? This record producer im co-producing with is like "Just be yourself" and its so awesome because im like..free. Some would say i feel em-an-ci-pa-te-d. 16. Thought of a cute nickname that im going to pretend all my friends call me. "Salamimi" but my advisors think i should cut it to Mimi. Whatever. Bought a jumper today. 2005; Mariah Releases "The Emancipation of Mimi"17. W000000000TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT my album is kicking SOOOO MUCH ASS!!!!! IM NUMBER ONE AGAIN. GOD I FEEL SOOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME AND HOT. 18. W000000000TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT my single is kicking SOOOO MUCH ASS!!!!! IM NUMBER ONE AGAIN. GOD I FEEL SOOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME AND HOT. 19. Some dude called me a sausage. My boob slipped out of my dress. See i knew i should have worn a jumper! 20. My evil plan worked everyone totally thinks i have friends who call me MiMi and everyone loves me now because being a diva is so hot. I knew it would come into fashion; im soooooo looking forward to jumpers coming back in. These dresses give my nipples baby erections.
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| Mon Aug 01, 2005 2:43 pm |
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are-why-a-en
MISSING IN ACTION
Joined: Fri Dec 03, 2004 7:42 pm
Posts: 4292
Location: The Beautiful Islands of San Diego
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And your not in Kj Idol because?
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| Mon Aug 01, 2005 4:06 pm |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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Im too awesome i think.
Many others speculate its because im too attractive. But i think its more all round awesome.
Remember y'all. Buying The Emancipation of Mimi says "I support terrorism!"
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| Mon Aug 01, 2005 6:17 pm |
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andaroo1
Lord of filth
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 9:47 pm
Posts: 9566
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I knew something was wrong with MC when she had that Old Dirty Bastard guy do a song with her. Wholesome!
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| Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:50 pm |
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Box
Extraordinary
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2004 12:52 am
Posts: 25990
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Michael Michael Michael
 _________________In order of preference: Christian, Argos MadGez wrote: Briefs. Am used to them and boxers can get me in trouble it seems. Too much room and maybe the silkiness have created more than one awkward situation. My Box-Office Blog: http://boxofficetracker.blogspot.com/
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| Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:58 pm |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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Box wrote: Michael Michael Michael Does anyone know what this post means? I mean I mulled it over for subtlty and then I was like.....wtf. Saying my name three times dosen't actually summon a murderous little girl you know. Wait let me just get my copy of "The Emancipation of Mimi" - one of its various properties and skills includes "cracking Box's posts" andaroo wrote: I knew something was wrong with MC when she had that Old Dirty Bastard guy do a song with her. Wholesome! There was a distinct lack of jumper wearing in that era.
Fear not; i predict in 2006 Mariah will return to a fugly fringe & Jumper look. Because its always snowing in MariahLand....snowing COCAINE.
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| Tue Aug 02, 2005 12:23 am |
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Christian
Team Kris
Joined: Thu Oct 28, 2004 5:02 pm
Posts: 27584
Location: The Damage Control Table
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Gosh Michael, you are such a hoot to read! :grin:
_________________A hot man once wrote: Urgh, I have to throw out half my underwear because it's too tight.
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| Tue Aug 02, 2005 12:32 am |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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BEPee Fergie goes weewee! BEPee Fergie goes weewee!
Since in im the buisness of hoarding stories from various celebrity haunts; I stumbled across the following image on The Superficial. Your warned that if you don't think urine is totally arousing then you might find the following picture somewhat disturbing
I feel like my work is done; another celebrity who is probobly already mortified that millions of people have witnessed her performing and pissing her pants has the joy of not knowing that ive just exposed a good few hundred people to the same horror. Infact; i think that the Fergie Pee Pee pic will probobly conquer the world in a very short period of time; only a lucky few will resist seeing Fergie's wet trousers and imagining the public humilation she must have had.
I stipulate the following.
Research indicates the demographic most resistant to the Fergie image are 100 year olds+; the reasoning is that they are likely to pop their socks before the Fergie image attacks their town. Her publicist insists it was sweat that dampened Fergies inner leg; yet either way its still gross. Now every time i see Fergie, instead of unzipping my jeans im going to vomit violently.
Black Eyed Peas new album
Dont Phunk with my Drink [seriously my bladder cant handle it]
Shut Up Your Vagina
Where is the Toilet?
Lets Get it Farted!
Don't Lie [It so WASN'T sweat]
Hey Mama [Why do i pee my panties?]
Gone Going to the Toilet,
Poor Fergie; actually, Fergie, this one time i did the exact the same thing.
Except I was 4 months old and not dancing like a whore infront of the world WTF is wrong with you woman!?
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| Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:29 am |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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Anna Nicole is a Retarded Lesbionic Duck! Anna Nicole is a Retarded Lesbionic Duck!
Anna Nicole Smith used to make me ejcaulate when she could form cohesive sentences in a year.
But then she got fat and ugly and for some reason; incredibly slow; and me being about as deep as a puddle I drown a puppy in this one time; I was converted into vomiting over nearby animals whenever Anna Nicole Smith appearead anywhere.
Anywhoo then Anna Nicole; being that hard working hussy we all know and love, claimed to have lost all of her 10 asses with diet pills she bought from the National Enquirer; where she now works [shes a high class kind of gal our Anna]
I was kind of excited; not Fergie excited, but excited enough. I was like "Wow now shes not such an ugly fatass maybe she dosen't act like shes constantly on drugs" but today I saw this clip and was proven wrong.
There are so many things wrong with that clip its not even funny.
Anna appears as a brassy, slutty, bouncy sellout we all know and love.
Then she opens her mouth. It's like talking to a retarded duck. In the time it took Anna Nicole to say "It tay-stes good" I married three Russian brides, caught a disease from the third one, died, and was ressurected as Angelina Jolie. Im only typing with one hand right now.
 
Anna Nicole Smith & A Duck
Then she kisses some random woman; and talks about how she wants to sex Regis. Maybe somewhere in that fucked up duck-brain she thinks that old men are HOT and men under 60 years her senior are NOT.
Anna, did you make sure that you got those implants in a certified surgery? Because if that silicone is seeping into your blood flow it would explain so, so much. Seriously - shouldn't she still be stuck in third grade? Can you imagine it; Anna Nicole in third grade humping the skeleton in the corner of the class; because thats kind of classy retarded lesbionic grave-digging platypus she is!
P.S - Last night i snuck into Kayley Cuoco's bedroom and we had slammin sex. I hope i didn't wake her.
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| Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:05 pm |
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andaroo1
Lord of filth
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 9:47 pm
Posts: 9566
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Fergie and Anna Nicole.
You are scraping the bottom of the barrel there!
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| Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:07 pm |
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Michael.
No Wire Tampons!
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:27 am
Posts: 23283
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andaroo wrote: Fergie and Anna Nicole.
You are scraping the bottom of the barrel there! Even F- Listers do stupid shit.
Tom Cruise is currently being ass-sexed by Aliens so theres not much on that front.
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| Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:08 pm |
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