We all know a few jokes. If everyone here posted a couple of their favorites this could be a fun thread.

I'll start off.

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The CIA was hiring a new assassin. They had narrowed the field down to three candidates, two men and one woman. All were well trained and perfect for the job. They devised a test to try to make one stand out more than the others.
They called the first man in to a hallway and pointed to a nearby door. "As a CIA Assassin, you must obey orders unquestioningly and without thought to anything but your duty to your country. Your wife is behind this door. I want you to go in and kill her."
The man was appallled. "I will do no such thing! That's ridiculous!" He turned in his gun and left.
They moved further down the hall and called the second man in and gave him the same instructions. The man looked sad, but went in the room. A few minutes later, he came out of the room, sobbing. "I can't do it! I must not be the right person for the job." Still crying, he turned in his gun and left.
At the third door, they called the woman in. "As a CIA Assassin, you must obey orders unquestioningly and without thought to anything but your duty to your country. Your husband is behind this door. I want you to go in and kill him."
The woman looked startled, but took her gun and entered the room . A few minutes later several shots rang out, followed by the sound of screaming and a series of loud THUMPs. The woman came out, her hair mussed and her clothing torn.
"Jeesh, you didn't tell me the gun was full of blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

A blonde walks up to the soda machine and she puts in two quarters, and out pops the soda. She kind of glances at it, sets it by her feet, and puts in two more quarters. Out pops another cold soda, which even further intrigues her, and she sets this one by the first. She does this again and again, her enthusiasm building with each one.

A man walks by to see her fervently pumping quarters into the machine and placing the dispensed soda by an already enormous pile of cans. He thinks of just walking past, but instead walks up to her. He says "Excuse me miss, I couldn't help but notice your soda there and... well... what the hell are you doing?"

She turns to the man, between inserting quarters, looks him in the eye and says...





"Duh!?... I'm Winning!"

Hehe that's fuuuuuuuuuuunnnny.

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

What's brown and sticky?




A stick!

You've probably all heard this one, but anyway:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me the President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. But not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!"

LMAO


Good one

Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Thanks.

Beware: This Joke is extremely dumb, so turn away if you don't like stupidity.

If a Athelete has Althelete's foot, and a Dancer has dancing feet, what does an Astronaut have?







Missiletoe.