I don't want to be your partner, but I would like to apply for becoming your new mascot.

That way I would have free reign to hump my master's wife leg all day so that she constantly pets me and throws me a frisbee or a cookie.

After matrix/Lotr debate, how could you even consider anyone else, plus i have boobs (those seem to get you alot of stuff around here).

I'm formally applying
With my good looks, sense of style, extraordinary people skills and incredible intelligence,
and your sense of humour... we'd make a very fair and equal team.

How about a relative unknown, Tony? It would be like the prize in a Cracker Jack box.

So when do we get to start the smear campaigns?

I declare immunity from you.

Breaking news: MontanaPI (pictured above) will be doing the background check portion of the hiring process (phase #2).

I hated to pull out the big gun, but I don't want to align myself with somebody only to be seeing this person on the front page of the Smoking Gun website in a few weeks, which would drag my good name down with them.

So, let this be a warning to the applicants... if you have skeltons in your closet that you do not want revealed, then back out now, because Montana PI leaves no stone unturned.

So I take it you turned down Jessica Sierra's application?

He needs a Tigers hat.

She never applied, but I must admit it would be an interesting pairing... me and a pregnant, crazy, coke addict who gets into bar fights.... sounds like a match made in heaven.


I think I do have him in a picture somewhere with the Tigers hat.

What he really needs is a butler named Higgins.

If I have half of a skeleton in my closet, does it count? Because if so, i might have to dispose of the other half. This job means a lot to me!!! I NEED IT!

Tony, if you hire me I will write our very own theme song.

THEME SONG Tony. That's hard to pass up.

There is still a few hours left to apply, but Montana P.I. will begin releasing the background and cursory examination results very soon.

It is important to remember, that while there is a resemblance, we are not the same person. He is a super genius chick magnet with a mustache, and he smokes a pipe. I am all those things, but do not have the mustache and do not smoke. I suspect that his crime solving powers are in his pipe.

Montana PI's report on RonBurgundy

Name: RonBurgundy

Profile: Mr. RonBurgandy is a relative unknown commedity at KJ. He keeps it light, funny, and avoids any conflicts. During my initial checks, I suspected him of being a double account - possibly of Roid, so that he could discuss American Idol without soiling his own account - but, that theory has not panned out.

KJ History: A member for 1 year and 5 months with a total of 314 posts. Spends most of his time in the Cinemania forum. Does often frequent the high falootin', artsy fartsy Awards section, but seems to balance it out by visiting the sports forum to discuss football. Does make the rare appearance in the Water Cooler, but I have no reports of seeing him in the gaming forum.

Combatibility potential: On the plus side, he thinks Kate Beckinsale is a total babe, does appreciate Jennifer Garner, he lists the Matrix as his favorite film of all time, he watches NFL football, likes Dodge Vipers, and lists Grindhouse as one of the better films of the year. All of things that I know TonyMontana would approve of. On the downside, he does not appear to be a gamer.

Potential pitfalls: He has no criminal record, and I would put him as a low risk to soil the good TonyMontana name. The fact that he avoids conflict and keeps it light would suggest we would not see him arrested for killing a hooker in a back alley any time soon. One problem I do note is his low post count (0.59 posts per day), and the fact that he saw over 100 movies this year. This would not appear to leave him a lot of time to spend being Tony's partner.

Bottom line: I see the compatibility as very good, the risk to be very low, but would be worried about his very low post count.

Montana PI's report on Snrub

Name: Snrub

KJ History: He has amassed 6,906 posts in 3 years and 3 months, and is one of the more beloved posters at KJ. He spends most of his time in the Water Cooler, and also can frequently be found in the Cinemania forum. He does have the good taste to visit the gaming forum often, but at the same time he can also be found frequenting the uppity Awards section.

Compatibility potential: On the plus side, Snrub possesses a wicked sense of humor and can tackle an a wide array of topics... he can be discussing Britney Spears one minute, and then tackle a serious social issue the next without skipping a beat. He enjoys video games, and owns (or owned) a Xbox 1. On the downside, Tony and Snrub often have vastly different opinions on specific video games and movies, and when I examine specifics I can find very little in common.

Potential pitfalls: While this is clearly not the case, I sense that some may think that Snrub is funnier and sexier than Tony is. Sometimes it is better to assosciate yourself with somebody who is clearly inferior to you so that you are the "cool" one, as you wouldn't want the duo to become known as "Snrub and the other guy". He is also a confirmed member of the subversive/radical group known as "the Community of Squee"... a major red flag. No criminal history to speak of, but my gut feeling tells me it's not because he is an angel, but more because he's good at not getting caught, which is all we can ask for.

Bottom line: I think Tony and Snrub would make a very powerful KJ couple, and while they don't share a lot of specific common interests, they do share a similar attitude, and the differences could create a unique balance. However, I am severely troubled by his involvement in the Community of Squee, and that a very small percentage of KJ could view him as the dominant part of the duo.

Tony, don't let the restriction of a two-man team stop you. Just because The Rainbow whatevers and torri and zing are duos doesn't mean you have to give in to them.

I mean, do you really want to be on the same level as Korrgan and her love for the Wii?

Food for thought.

Montana PI's report on MikeQ:

Name: MikeQ

Profile: Mr. Q is a laid back easy going fellow from Canada that is the perrenial winner of the "nicest poster" award at KJ. And, while he earns that award, it does not mean he is a pushover... he speaks his mind and can kick some ass when needed on the rare occassion, but he still manages to do so in an eloquent and polite manner. I imagine he's the type of dude that would kick your ass in a bar fight, but would then help you up and offer you a napkin to wipe the blood off your face.

KJ History: Q is one of the elite posters at KJ amassing 8,655 posts in over 3 years, and has been a member since the very early days of the site. He was employed as a moderator for some of that time. He is very active in the Water Cooler, where he can often be found in the Ye Olde Pube or discussing politics. He also frequents the sports section to discuss hockey. I found an alarming number of posts in the awards forum, and an alarming few in the games forum. My special PI training tells me that he could be a high society type.

Combatibility potential: On the plus side, he claims to own an Xbox (though be warned that I can find little evidence of this), his character is impeccable, and a teaming with Tony would help to drive up his respectability and likability. On the negative side, he is from Canada and likes hockey. It should also be noted that he is a fan of the LOTR and does appear to like hobbits (Tony has a fear of hobbits).

Potential pitfalls: They say that still waters run deep, and at first glance you'd look at Mike's still waters and think that he's got a mess of hookers buried in his back yard or that he's going to go postal any day. However, in this case, I have to trust my gut... these still waters are genuine. I can find no dirt on him at all, and don't think we'll ever see Mike on the front page of the Smoking Gun website.

Bottom line: Pairing with MikeQ would be another poweful combination that would raise Tony's likability within the KJ community. Also it would be the rare case where we'd actually have more concern that Tony would bring down Mike's good name, instead of vice versa with the other candidates. However, I can't help but note a distinct lack of common interests and they are definitely at opposite ends of the spectrum in attitude... cocky, brash, and unlikable vs. likable, respected, and low key. I won't say which is which.

This super duo won't be the end of my solo career. This won't be like the New Kids on the Block where none of them hit big on their own. We're going to be more like NSYNC... I'll be Justin Timberlake and my partner will the the fat one who nobody knows.

And, no.... I don't want this group to be like the Rainbow Sisters... we will be better. I feel pretty confident that we'll put the Rainbow Siters and Z&T out of business.

In a few months, people will think the Rainbow Sisters are a 70's R&B group and that Torrino and Zingaling are cars made by Chevy. We'll make them that irrelevant.

A few applications were written in crayon and were not clear as to whether they were really applying or not.

These applications were from Roid and Filmo.

If you are Roid or Filmo, or if you know Roid or Filmo and can translate for them, please advise ASAP if they were true applications so Montana PI can complete a background investigation.

Roid was pulling the "I'm so modest" card, so, yes, he was applying, but I feel should be disqualified due to trying to manipulate the vote.

Filmo was only applying to take over the role of your wife.

I guess it was clear. I am not applying for being a partner. I am applying to get a chance to get at least a little bit of your dog (an ear maybe??)???

Dear Montana PI,

Thank you for the in depth and brutally honest report. Your findings on me were spot on. While my lack of posts and knowledge in the gaming field are troubling, i believe, with a little work Tony and i could learn to control the entire WOKJ in time. As a young KJer, i have much to learn and could become an elite with experienced training from a true KJ master, TonyMontana. Thanks once again and good luck with the rest of your investigations!

Stay Classy,
RonBurgundy

P.S. That picture of Kate Beckinsale in your signature is fantastic!
P.P.S. This entire post is in no means any attempt at brown nosing or sucking up...

Dear Montana P.I.

I'm writing to inform you of some inaccuracies in your report. It may surprise you to find out that I was never technically a member of the Community of Squee. I just claimed to be the co-founder of said community in an effort to piss off Squee. Either way, as you will have noticed, I have now removed said Community of Squee comment from my sig. Although I beg you to reconsider, as I do so enjoy annoying Squee.

Best regards,
Snrub

If Tony and Snrub merge as one, a horror will grip all of KJ.

A horror so dark that only the strongest will survive.

A horror of humour-overload.

Montana PI's report on baba:

Name: bABA

Profile: I'm afraid my PI skills are going to waste on this one. There isn't much that bABA keeps secret... he practically lives his life in the public eye here at KJ. He posts numerous pictures of himself, has a regular podcast, and has a massive library of cool YouTube videos. Without wasting too much time on what everybody already knows, I'll just say he has a warped sense of humor and can switch between being very immature and very mature when the situation calls for it.

KJ History: He is a part owner of KJ and a premiere member that helped build up the website. Except for one incident in which he tried to destroy KJ (see below), he is constantly trying to foster a fun atmosphere at the site and is generally well liked - as much as possible for somebody who has to lay down the law and smack a few people around from time to time. He has amassed an impressive 26,000+ posts and maintains a consistent presence at the site. He spends the bulk of his time spread between the Water Cooler, gaming forum, and Cinemania. However, there really isn't any forum that he doesn't frequent at one time or another.

Compatibility potential: bABA and Tony have teamed up before with strong results. They share a similar style of humor. Both have an Xbox and Xbox 360 and are active gamers. Upon checking Xbox Live logs, I find that they have played together on more than one ocasssion. It's apparent that Tony is more skilled than bABA in this arena, but I don't view this as a problem as I believe that bABA generally takes losing well. Upon checking movie tastes, I would say that their tastes are fairly similar - especially in the comedy genre.

Notable Criminal History: I implicated bABA in the infamous KJ hacking case a few years back in which he wrecked havoc on his own site. While his reputation was tarnished, he has since slowly overcome this transgression and has worked hard to restore his name.

Potential pitfalls: I feel strongly his criminal activity is behind him as he has matured since then, so I am not too concerned about that. His admin/owner status could be a potential problem as he may pull his punches when going head to head against the Rainbow Sisters and Z&T. He may tend to fall on the diplomatic side at times and would likely have one eye on the rule book at all times. I would also be concerned about previous pairings in that this duo may not have the new car smell since it has already been driven around the block a few times.

Bottom line: The compatibilty is very high and we have a proven track record where these two have worked together before. The combination would result in a very high powered duo. I only question whether it would be sexy enough, or if it the pairing would smell a little musty.