A bit of both? I certainly did see her as part of my life, long-term.

Well, the direct answer is that it is over. I do not need to ask for that. However, I have heard that before and it was not over.

You mean she has done this before? Maybe you give her some time and then ask her out for a reboot or to clear things up.

There has been something similar two years ago, though back then no one called it quits, we just took two weeks apart to calm things down and then slowly grew back together in the couple of months after that. The circumstances were different as back then she was very stressed facing potential unemployment (which luckily ended after three months) and there were other external factors that just put pressure on her and the relationship. The reaction was similar back then ("Not sure if I still have any feelings" "Maybe it is too late"), but the circumstances were very different.

Well, right now there is nothing else I can do other than give her time. Unlike last time we did not agree on the duration of the no-contact-phase because, frankly, I walked out at some point during the break-up-argument when she started saying things that I thought were immature and unfair.

It's better to have somebody than nobody. You'll suffice until she finds another one. Women are cutthroat, dude. Ditch her and move on.

I can see why you said it was pointless posting this here. But hopefully you derived something out of these 30+ posts.

I don't know what to say really except that you have to give yourself time to heal. I went through a bit of depression in May and at the time it felt like it would never end. But good days do come around again. I feel like I'm peppering you with cliches, but I hate to make comments about her or you without knowing more than 2% of your history. It feels like the worst thing in the world now, but maybe in a week, a month or even a year, you will look back and realize it was the best thing to happen to you.

Lecter, hit the gym.

I actually did that after my last two breaks, so there is a very high chance I'll do it again. (in fact, after one of those I took up two martial arts)

Good man. But don't take gym selfies!

Which martial arts, out of interest?

I dabbled in Taekwondo and Judo when I was younger. Judo more so. It was fun and I learned some valuable techniques. I've been in fights before and I've used some Judo moves and techniques to tire my opponent. But I've never had any interest in doing it regularly. I'd love love love to have Judo lessons actually in Japan. That would be a bucket list type thing. Other martial arts have never interested me. Kickboxing, too thuggish. Kung Fu, too theatrical and it looks staged - never seen anyone use Kung Fu in a real fight and win. Karate, actually this is probably the coolest martial art.

Kickboxing and pencak silat (Indonesian martial art that you see in The Raid movies).

Kickboxing was a real sport. Nothing thuggish about it and far more fitness and workout than actual moves and fighting. The latter came only very slowly. It was not until a year after I started that I first sparred with someone. Though I imagine you can very well use all of what you learn there in a street fight, that was never the idea behind the training. It was all about sports and competition.

Now pencak silat was entirely different. That was all about practical, everyday situations where you get in trouble and the ways to get out of it by not applying much force at all. That and also the tradition and the beauty of the moves. The latter came especially when we started tryining with traditional weapons. Kickboxing was about sportsmanship and fitness, in pencak silat I learned countless ways how to break different bones and slit throats, hehe. It was more fun than kickboxing, but not as demanding.

BTW, I believe stuffp might have been right this time. There is a possibility that there is another guy in play...

The way I look at this, if it didn't happen now, maybe it was bound to happen eventually. That's rough to hear, but it's true. Would you rather it be five years from now, after possible marriage or a child are involved?

I'm not saying she was definitely going to eventually, but if this is the case, it's best sooner than later.

Hit the gym is a great suggestion. I find anything active clears my mind of negativity.

And listen to inspiring showtunes!

Aw man I'm sorry to hear that, Lecter.

Quick update:

I think I might have jumped the gun on the "another guy" assumption.

We met today. She did so reluctantly, but I convinced her since our last talk ended with me walking out. This time I felt like I had the "upper hand" in this and though I wouldn't say the outlook is optimistic, it felt really good to get things off my chest. I told her that some of the things she said were simply unfair and offensive ("I feel like I wasted the last few years or my life", "Our last vacation was great, but looking back it was like we were just good friends"). She agreed and apologized. Very much so.

I opened up to her about some private things about my family that I haven't talked to anyone about. We also had a nice chat about our weekend, though I could feel that she was very uneasy the whole time because of the elephant in the room. I asked her to relax a little. She might have been surprised by how easy-going and relaxed I was (which, I tell you, was not easy at all).

I talked about things we argued about during our last big fight/break and how she felt that none of this has changed and how I felt that a lot has. We talked about it in detail and agreed that the truth is somewhere in the middle. I pointed out things that clearly have changed and she pointed out where I was under the wrong impression.

In the end I explained to her how this whole thing came over me without any warning signs and how we had very very nice times up until very recently. She was adamant about not changing her mind, not giving me any illusions or false hope, but I flat-out told her that I was not there to convince her to change her mind or to win her back then and there. I simply asked her, for the sake of five years, to think about what I said and how this whole thing same out of the blue to me and how her reactions seem rash from my position. I told her that I am not planning on contacting her for a while, but I really want her to think about what I said and about her and my roles in this. She promised she will. She was teary-eyed a lot through the whole thing (we spent maybe 90 minutes together).

What made you think another guy was in play?

I was close to her place today and I ran into one of her (male) friends who was there and had his car parked there, though I know he doesn't live anywhere close. It was around noon.

Okay, admittedly, I might have jumped too fast to a conclusion. It's just that in my experience things usually are pretty much what they seem to be.

Stalking her?



Agreed. So why are you now disregarding your initial suspicions?

Let's put it that way: I wanted to leave her something nice in her bike's basket, but I didn't find where it was parked. I told her that earlier today, though.

As for the way: because we have talked a lot today and she is anything, but dishonest. I believe that it would have come up if there was someone else. Especially since she seemed keen on me letting go and moving on and that sure as hell would have done the trick.

So her male friend was just there to comfort her, I guess. I mean, you said she was emotional when you met up, so it makes sense that despite her initiating things she is still not fine and dandy about the whole thing.

Much more emotional (on the outside) than I was (I am just good at keeping a poker face). I am not even sure he was there with her. Apparently she wasn't even home during that time, but at the gym (she told me that without me asking about the guy). And even if he had, I' have had my fair share of girls comforting me over the past few days.

Still not sure how to proceed over the next few days, but I will not be in touch, I think. Got a fair share of press screenings coming up (Blair Witch, Inferno, Paterson) to hopefully distract me (though I find it terribly difficult to focus during films right now) and might start preparing the Jack Reacher interviews (too far in advance, but I need to do something). Will hit the gym and run too.

My man.

(I'm filling in for Magnus on this comment)

Comforting me in a non-sexual way, sorry.