The letter thing is the only one I have actually done in the past and it worked very well (but then again, that was under different circumstances since we were already seeing each other every now and then and were making out already, the letter just sealed the deal).

I believe it is such an overly romanticized thing to do, soppy, made-for-TV narration, and it's what I would expect of a teenager. I don't know, but when I read it, coming from a full-grown man, it just made me laugh/cringe. For this type of thing, you cannot beat doing it face-to-face. Doesn't the letter say "I'm a fragile little flower. Please read this, and be kind with your reply"? Kinda wimpy.

Also, you JUST broke up with your girl. Writing a letter says 'I have been crushing on you for a while and this is what it has come to', which then doesn't show much respect for your ex.

Remember, on the very same page I was suggested Build a Bear, Color Me Mine and scrap booking as activities. So it is hardly the most cringe-worthy thing you could have read there. Also, I am generally a romantic person, so that sort of thing comes natural (and it did work in the past). There is obviously a degree of cowardice in it too, no denying, because I do not have to do it face-to-face, but it still has its value. And the letter wasn't supposed to go along the lines you suggested, but merely state the facts without expectations.

Also, I have not been crushing on her for a long while. Not until a couple of months after my breakup. I think that is enough respect shown. Moreover, it's not like saying it face-to-face means more or less respect if the content is pretty much the same.

#1 after all sounds most logical.

The trip though, wouldn't you better wait until after that?

Or how about go with her?

Umm, fact aside, that she would probably not be down for a spontaneous companion on the trip that she has already planned according to her needs and wishes, I have work to do here in February and cannot randomly leave for three weeks.

As for waiting after that...well, the only case in which I would give a letter would be if the person was departing somewhere for a while where she would have time to think about it away from here. Otherwise, I'd definitely go for the telling it straight to the face. And waiting until the end of February seems like a very long time right now.

As for #1 - though I certainly do feel the urge to go through with that, it is the one thing that every single of my friends here that I talked to uniformely advised strongly against.

I didn't read anything else from others. Just your post about what to do.

Regarding the letter, I also feel it presents you as an introvert, which if I remember correctly was one of the reasons your previous relationship didn't last. Being more open in person goes a long way to remedying this ill.

Why do you have to be with someone? You've been single for two seconds! How likely is it that anybody in your circle of friends (incl. your crush girl) will just think this is a rebound mechanism in play?

Seriously, read zwack's suggestions.

Maybe. Though I really am not an introvert. She is, though. Almost never talks about feelings and I am not sure how she would handle this.

I just want to say that not for one second do I claim to know the right answer here. It will have to come down to your gut (unless literally everyone was telling you to do just one or avoid just one) to know what's best to do. And there is no right answer either. I think this sort of thing shouldn't be approached strategically. Meaning that it shouldn't be approached with an eye for which will be more successful in getting the girl. Probably best to approach it with what's best for you both. Assessing how she will likely feel given her current emotional state etc., and trying to fit it in so as to not cause too much stress on both of you would be the ideal goal here.

Do you think that is not the main question that is on my mind pretty much every day now? Of course they might think that. I ask myself, whether it might be just that. And it might be. And, in all honesty, I would like to actually spend at least some months not emotionally attached to any girl. I have had very little of that over the past ten years. During that time there have been maybe a total of 5-6 months in which I was neither in a relationship nor crushing on someone. Right now I am still grieving over the past relationship and having a crush on someone. I wish it was different. In the past, when I felt a crush in a similar situaiton, I simply surpreased it until it was gone because I was certain that it was the better alternative. Not so certain now, though. I might actually like her.

Can't argue with any of the above.

I know that there is no right answer (though maybe a couple of wrong ones). No one will find the answer for me, but myself. I am absolutely aware of that. But talking about it to my closest friends and writing about it here, helps me put things into different perspectives and that I am grateful for right now.

Two of the friends I have talked to about it (one male, one female) said they were jealous of my situation. The girl because she for the first time in a long time there is actually not a single guy she feels herself drawn to and that is something that bothers her. The guy because he is in a somewhat stagnant relationship and is longing for some emotional excitement and the feeling of being fresh in love again. To him my situation sounds exciting and great because there are so many ways it can develop. Perspective, yeah.

The Colour Me Mine is quite a common date thing here in China, but then the Chinese are quite immature well into their 30s. My wife and I (and her brother and his wife) did that the last time we visited her hometown. So, yeah, that didn't strike me as odd. Scrapbooking, though, lol. Well, all three of those, in the west, are considered weird, but then again it doesn't matter what you do ... it's how you do it. If you can turn Build-A-Bear into a great date, she'll never forget it, and you'll come out of it as a winner. Whereas, the boring cinema/meal combo has been done to death and will be harder to get her juices flowing.

Which is why we'll probably be going to dance classes and probably some theatre. Going to a sports game is also something I am keeping in mind. And we have been talking about doing a city trip in Europe over a weekend together.

We're in our 30s. Build-A-Bear...Jesus, I cannot fathom how I could even mention that without sounding like a complete retard.

Indoor rock climbing is so much fun, though!



What would be the reaction you'd be looking for in such a scenario? That she betray some jealousy at the thought of you being interested in someone else or that she talks up your desirability as a partner to encourage you in your pursuit of the "other friend"? I've had a friend do this to me before, and it only served to leave me feeling really annoyed.

You have to be an 8 or higher to get away with that type of date.

Don't do #2/3/4. I feel if you're going to tell her sister, you may as well be honest. Even though there is like a 90% chance she ends up telling her anyway. Telling her you have feelings for someone, but not specifying who is kind of a creepy way of gauging if she's interested in you. And doing it at the party could lead to her not thinking you're serious, etc etc.

I'm not totally against a letter, but it would need to be very casual. Coming off too strong in a letter is easy to do, so you'd need to be careful.

I'd probably rank it: 1-5-2-4-3

Wine tasting?

Good thought, but she might be the only girl I've ever known, who doesn't like wine. But maybe chocolate tasting instead...

[quote="Chippy"]Don't do #2/3/4. I feel if you're going to tell her sister, you may as well be honest. Even though there is like a 90% chance she ends up telling her anyway. Telling her you have feelings for someone, but not specifying who is kind of a creepy way of gauging if she's interested in you. And doing it at the party could lead to her not thinking you're serious, etc etc.

I'm not totally against a letter, but it would need to be very casual. Coming off too strong in a letter is easy to do, so you'd need to be careful.

I'd probably rank it: 1-5-2-4-3[/quote]

Her sister telling her before me would be disastrous. More likely she won't tell, but will hate the position I put her in.

As for the letter...isn't the mere existence of a letter already pretty strong?

Yes and know. A letter means you're serious, but if she knows you and your penchant for writing, I think that drops down the strength.

Go with your gut. We're in no position to choose right for you

Oh, I know and I will. But I like drawing on any existing experiences, especially in a situation, in which my reasonable thinking is impaired, as far as I can tell. More likely than not, I will not do any of the 5, though I'm really tempted to do #1 and/or #4.

At least thinking about this for a while brought me closer to the conclusion that the reason I have not made the move yet is that I fear rejection. Rejection by itself ain't that bad, but in this case I am sure it would take a toll on the friendship.

This is further along than I was two weeks ago.

I don't know what reaction I'd be looking for. I guess any reaction. Not jealousy, no. That I find silly. Maybe just to gauge whether she already has suspicions. Sometimes I keep telling myself that she must have...

I bet she already thinks you're looking for her as a rebound.