It's bad. Just a lot of wannabe cool posing. Best moment is Ice Cube's appearance and the text that accompanies it. A rare instance of self-irony.

xXx: Return of Xander Cage is a James Bond movie. Except with the good old fun loving James Bond. But this time James Bond is buff. And extreme! With a tres cool squad that take on missions parallel to his. Many plum secondary characters that each* get their own over the top moment in the film. This is a feather weight souffle of an action comedy b-movie, which turns out to be just the right touch to keep it aloft. *B+*




* Xiang
* Serena Unger
* Harvard "Nicks" Zou
* Adele Wolff
* Talon
* Rebecca "Becky" Clearidge
* Tennyson "The Torch"
* Jane Marke
* NSA Agent Augustus Eugene Gibbons
* Darius Stone

Dumb fun. Could've used more Jaa, Yen, Rose and Padukone in a bikini, the "twists" you can see coming like a bald man jumping without a parachute from an airplane on fire (the Jackson one is inexplicably ruined in the marketing), and almost none of the jokes work (which is kind of impressive), but I had a smile on my face for most of the time.

B

He did it! Diesel's two franchises are now about outlaw families. The word is ever explicitly said in this one, but X's stick together (or have each other's back, or some stupid shit like that).

Um.... holy shit this was baaaaaaad.

At times it was hilariously awful, at least. Donnie Yen was badass. Put him in better films Hollywood.

Also another film that supposedly goes to the Philippines with no Filipinos in sight. Lol

I really enjoyed this. Just a lot of fun. Definitely better than the first one due to the excellent supporting cast in this one.

B+

An early contender for the year's worst film. I went in hoping for at least some ridiculous fun, but this is loud, ugly, needlessly violent trash that is just a catastrophe on every level. I actually really enjoy the Fast and the Furious movies - they are fun for what they are and at least there is some semblance of a plot and decent performances. This is just a mess. The script is abysmal, every line of dialogue feels like some lame attempt to spawn a catchphrase and the storyline feels cobbled together and doesn't make any sense. Every performance is terrible. I can understand hiring a diverse cast to appeal to a worldwide market but every single actor here sounds like they are reading their lines off a teleprompter. The only one who even seems to be having any fun (even though she's still bad) is Nina Dobrev. Diesel is wooden as hell and I don't understand what the fuck Toni Collette was even doing here. The action sequences are poorly directed and unexciting, and the attempts at humor fall entirely flat. Really nothing about this works at all - it's a franchise that should have stayed buried. D-

This isn't a good movie by any stretch, but unlike Resident Evil: The Final Chapter atleast I got some enjoyment out of the action sequences. I mean I could see what was happening most of the time which is definitely a plus when it comes to action movies. Obviously, a lot of it is dumb and doesn't make since, but I wasn't bored. Donnie Yen was pretty badass too and I loved every action sequence involving his character. Vin Diesel is Vin Diesel and the scenes where they show his stunt double or the blatant green screen/blue screen was hilarious. I also thought Ice Cube's cameo was fun as well.

Looking forward to Algren's F-grade-review for this.

XXX3 starts of quite fun, but quickly along the way there's a strong sense of meaninglessness to it all. The stakes feel very low, baddies die, but there's no blood and it isn't particular funny either. The film's staple, crazy stunts, are there, but every other moment in between it's a pretty dull affair. The film does have a very pleasing cast that breaths life in the film, but it's script and dialogue are dire and they can't do much with it. Ice Cube's cameo was cool and fitting and the last plane stunt was well done, I felt like being a bit kinder towards it. The film could really have used some more Sam Jackson too, his bit in the beginning was good, but then again him being alive finally was a lame and not unpredictable turn. Pretty plain and unexciting film all together.

D+

xXx: Return of Xander Cage

It is going to take more than two flushes to forget this pile of shit. What a load of trash. The whole film is a blur of shaky cam action, corny one-liners, parties, stunts, babes, goofy cameos, and crappy shoe-horned-in references to pander to the Chinese. Another Mark Sinclair feature that is yet another take on the "we are family" theme of the Fast movies, but instead this time around it is "Xs look after their own". It is all very uninspiring crud. Neymar and Ice Cube are hilariously awful, but it is Ruby Rose that was the most irritating. Every kill comes with a wide party girl grin as to REPEATEDLY let us know that she is not your average girl next door...she's hardcore, bro! She has tats! She relishes the thrill! *eye-roll* And don't even get me started on the utterly useless, incomprehensible cancer to the world of acting, Kris Wu. Jackson's return was not only obvious but reeked of the sort of cowardice that Marvel so often displays (though that Avengers textual joke at the beginning wasn't bad). The last 20 minutes of this shit-fest easily place it in pole position for the year's worst film. Everybody works together and ends up as best buds. I can imagine the only people that like this crap are sad little teenagers that get a boner whenever they see a woman in a bikini.

Nina Dobrev is delightfully playful and fun, but sadly she cannot save this stinker. And what in the hell is Toni Collette doing in this?! I enjoyed the original xXx. Rob Cohen is no master (besides his work on Daylight), but he is a genius compared to the likes of D.J. Caruso and Lee Tamahori, who seemingly only know how to stage unexciting set pieces that include shoddy visual effects and ideas from the mind of an 11-year-old.

F

Are there any movies with Vin Diesel that you like, Algren?

Of course. I even mentioned one in my review.

You did?

You did. You mentioned the original xXx. Nevermind.

To clarify, these are the following Mark Sinclair films that I like:

xXx
Pitch Black
The Chronicles of Riddick
Riddick
The Iron Giant

I don't believe Saving Private Ryan and Guardians of the Galaxy count, but for those that need to know, I like those too. My memory is hazy on A Man Apart, but I don't remember hating it - maybe I thought it was alright.

Ruby Rose > Nina Dobrev

What the fuck was with Tony Jaa and these noises/hand gestures he kept making? I know he is supposed to seem cool and edgy, but he looked more as if he had mild Tourette's. Such a waste of space character, and a very bad actor. Jaa has lost his hook since the days of Ong-Bak. With agreeing to appearances in this and one of the Fast films, he looks lost, and will basically just be another Asian henchman-type dude in every flick.

Erm, no.

But your thoughts on Return of Xander Cage are spot-on!

Cage says something like every country in the world will be looking for them now. I didn't get this at all. Why exactly would every country in the world be looking for them? Didn't they just save the day?

Give me some clairvoyant credst here.

Ask and you shall receive.

I hated, hated, hated Mark Sinclair saying "Gan Bei!".

This was bad from start and the only one I liked is Padukone who wasn't given much to begin with. The characters have no reason to be fighting apparently and their motivations change for no reason as to move the movie to next action piece. Nina Dobrev was surprisingly very good in this. Overall very poor.

4/10