1. Never, ever remove someone from Facebook unless you explicitly mutually dislike them. If you don't really know them or care about them that much, it's best to have them there, just in case, and after all, it knocks up that number of friends and makes you look great. Removing people un-necessarily is social suicide. Equally, do not reject someone. Even if the extent of your social communication has been a hello in a shop, rejecting them on facebook will result at them lynching you with objects and telling everyone your either a whore/prostitute/idiot.


2. If in a relationship, avoid friendly messages to other people of the sex of your partner. This will create vast insecurity and/or ruin your relationship as soon as she or he reads the "Yeah had fun last night, how about you?" you left on their page, and then points out you couldn't even be arsed to nudge at THEM. If you are bisexual and in a relationship, you are pretty fucked and should delete your facebook right away.

3. At all costs avoid flashing on nights out unless you want to see your genitals on the internet. It will absolutely appear on facebook the next morning.

This is your new reality. Any time your in public someone will have a camera and be mindful of taking as many attractive photos of themselves with their friends as possible in various states of inebriation. Thankfully for them they will not publish any images of themselves in which they deem themselves unattractive. Unfortunately for you and I, they most certainly will publish images in which everyone else around them looks like they have caught some terrible disease if they are attractive throughout the surrounding fug.

4. Don't talk about other social networking websites, they are dead to you and everyone else on facebook. If you use any other sites and enjoy them, keep it a dirty little secret.

5. Don't update your status too often. People will be irritated by you and rightfully assume you crave attention. No one needs to know if you just farted and it smelled like cherry coke. That said, utilize this technology for getting laid as much as possible.

6. If you can't be arsed maintaining or updating your facebook this will make you seem mysterious and above social networking, when the reality is your too lazy to give a fuck about the regulation maintenance of relationships over the internet. This approach is more likely to get you laid than giving five stars to "The Notebook" on your flixster application.

7. Facebook will automatically increase your desire for a small, portable digital camera by 800%. This should be a camera that isn't too expensive, as it will eventually be either dropped down a toilet or covered in some dumb slut's cocktail, but it should be expensive enough to take flattering photos of nights out, photos designed to bring back good memories of....everyone being forced to smile for a camera 84 times in an evening until the levels of alcohol in everyone's system reaches a critical mass where dancing and vomiting are the only two options left.

8. Speaking of night out pictures, perfect a "pose" for these images, as being constantly photographed is a rather awkward experience, this pose will either point fun at an alleged vanity with some form of "pout" or will be the least attractive face possible. There are good reasons and merits for both forms of pose, but selecting one or the other is absolutely essential. Other poses include "Thoughtful" poses, "Mouth Ajar" poses, and poses which involve fingers being used as some form of antlers or antennae.

9. Employers absolutely do look for your facebook so get to grips with something called "privacy settings". Even then, your ass will be grass if theres a picture of you doing coke off a hookers tits on someone else's profile. You can't hide everything, Part of joining facebook is kissing goodbye to your privacy.

10. Send invitations wisely. Much like fine wine, invitations can be delicious when digested once in a while in moderate amounts, but too much too often will put you off. In addition, if you have advanced to Level 3 Facebook skills, and you are able to create an invitation, you should be as mindful about who your not inviting as who you are inviting. Facebook Events is your best training for your wedding planning, so be thankful for this tool.

Thats it.
Follow these rules and accept these Facebook Truths and you should avoid relationship breakdowns, broken hearts, friendships crumbling, job loss or any of the other wonderful Facebook related side-effects.

do these rules also apply to Myspace?

I just asked myself the same question.

i disagree with #1. i've refused a lot of people who i know won't really further my life in some way.

though i do have a 3 day rule. if its someone i know i see every so often (and who i don't like) i will add them, and then delete them 3 days later. thereby, they think i've added them and have had a browse of my book. and then bam! gone! and when they are like "hey did u delete me?" reply "No i didn't. I'm sure ur on my friends list. I might have accidently u. I'm gonna sort that shit out". and then repeat the 3 day cycle.

i agree about the status. though i clear it, and i make sure it doesn't appear on everyone's newsfeed. that's for Level 10 facebookers.

and i'm only using facebook now becuz i enjoy my 3 ways with u and tim.

Myspace is for the socially retarded and therefore no.

i only use myspace to let my friends know i like lady gaga.

myspace is for teenagers, and for people who have nothing to do but talk and write about themselves all day.

that's actually fairly accurate.

Everyone's pushing me to facebook (someone even created an account for me) but I've invested too much time and energy with Myspace and have too many contacts there within the industry.

If when I get a publicist they insist on Facebook, that's fine. But I can't imagine I'd like it more than Myspace.

Sometimes facebook sounds like a live action mmorpg.

Well these social networks should be seen different from country to country.
No one has facebook here, everybody has myspace. And yeah, it's awesome.
I only have facebook because of american friends.

I completely disagree with rule #1.

And if rule #2 actually applies to you, then your boyfriend/girlfriend needs to grow up.

Peace,
Mike

i would rather have a low friend count, rather than an inflated friend count full of people who may have breathed my air.

I started with MySpace as it was the most popular at the time, but Facebook is 100% better, especially since 99% use their real names. It's a great place for older guys like me to get in touch with old friends I haven't heard from in a long time. But I still check my MySpace page from time to time.

I wish Facebook was around when I was in high school/college. Poo.

A part of me wants a Facebook but I don't really want one that much either. Primarily because most of my good friends don't have them anyway, but mostly because I think I'd spend too much time looking at/stalking at/freaking over at/etc. et it.

I absolutely think that FACEBOOK is the #1 cause for people hooking up and splitting up in my age group.

I dislike rule #1.

These rules suck.

These rules are fact.

If you remove someone from facebook, your ass is in trouble! Trust!
If you reject someone from facebook, your ass is also in trouble!

That's idiotic

Welcome to the real world.

These rules are satirical, since some of you didn't click.

oh i think ur rules are satirical, it's still kinda true though.

so that is why i disagree with rule 1. there's ways of saying "i copped ur BS for 6 months when i worked with u, and somehow u finding out i don't want to be ur facebook friend will cause u to commit suicide."

If you have two groups of friends that dislike each other then you're just fucked. Don't every lie to your friends and tell them that you didnt go somewhere with other friends because you're picture will be tagged and people will get pissed/friendships ruined.

Get new friends

welcome to facebook level 15 "privacy settings - expert level"

I gues i got to learn this expert level privacy settings lol. It would be great if they had an approve of wall posts before they are posted feature.

This would make such a good thesis topic. It's hilarious because I think it's true at times.