The Coathanger Abortions (An Exhibition)
Seeded.
Unwanted.
Womb invaded.
Darkness clouds my world.
Coathanger meets vagina.
All is well again.
The first time, I was only 16..
He would have looked like this.
The father was older, the father was.. bABA. Back then, when I was only an impressionable child, I found him kyoot and attractive. Fun and exciting. But the pregnancy changed everything. The abortion destroyed our relationship. We were never the same again.
Had I carried him to term, we would have named him Shaeteely, after bABA's great uncle. I'll never know how different my life might have been had I not aborted him, I could still be with bABA. But we'll never know what could have been.
The next time, I had just turned 17. And on the way home from my birthday party at KJ Place, da torri and Zingaling gangraped me. With one of them, Jeffrey was produced..
I was scared, and didn't report the rape. But when I found out I was pregnant, I knew there was only one thing I could do. And that was, of course, to kill little Jeffrey while he rested inside my womb, growing a little every day, until that one fateful day when his life ended.
That experience changed my life forever. Before, I was a nice, sweet person. But after my rape, I became a sad person, and it hit a switch inside of me. I became cold, and a distant shadow of my former self. I found that sex made me feel alive again. I didn't care with who, just anything inside of me made the pain go away. Without sex, I felt dead inside. I needed it, I had to have it or else everything in my world would come crashing down. Who knows if keeping Jeremy would have altered my life, and made me feel better.. Honestly, I think, he would have been an hourly reminder of my rape. I have no regrets of killing him inside of my womb with a pink coat hanger.
My new addiction for feeling alive would lead to many more pregnancies.
My third abortion...
Emma, I would have named her.. she was the production of a night of amazing sex between myself and roo. It had been three months since my abortion of Jeffrey. I had slept with several guys between my gang rape and my night of passion with roo, but I had lucked out and not become pregnant. I had begun to see what the aftermath of my rape had caused, my turn to sluttiness, and in an attempt to put my life back on track, I went to an AA meeting. Next door, roo was attending Overeaters Anonymous, which would change his life forever, for the better. Our eyes met in the parking lot as we were leaving, and we both felt the connection. I walked up to him, and we talked to one another for 3 minutes maximum before I found myself in the back of his jeep, undoing his pants. It didn't take long for him to finish, since he hadn't felt the touch of a woman in months. But he took me back to his place and he entered me several times that night. Each time I felt him inside of me, it stopped the pain. I knew then, I would never want to seek help again.
Eight weeks later, I knew I was pregnant. I had absolutely no qualms about ending Emma's life that night, with the freshly used pregnancy test in the garbage can next to sink. When it was over it, I lied there on my bed, passing Emma. I couldn't help but sob. I didn't know why I was so emotional. But as the tears wept, I clinched my bedsheets and screamed.
I felt better, then.
The next abortion came years later. I was 19 years olds. I felt like a grown up, but still clinged to my immaturity and youth, the better times of my life. But deep down, I was still in pain, still opening up for any man that looked my way.
His name, had I given birth to him, would have been Honor. His conception is a simple story. One night at a club, I caught the eye of an older man looking at me as though he loved me. That look made my bottom lip quiver, and I melted into him. Well, really, he melted into me. I fell asleep in his arms, feeling loved, feeling better than I ever had my entire life. I woke up a lone, and like the polar opposite of the night before, I felt the worst I ever had my entire life, with a twinge deep in my being like I'd lost something.
I didn't cry when I induced Honor's abortion weeks later. I didn't feel anything at all. I never would again.
Men came and went in my life in the year that followed. Never emotionally connecting with any of them, not even knowing some of their names.
But one evening, in a most strange day, a former enemy of mine and me came together. Literally.
Gulli and my baby would have been kind of kyoot, don't you think? But I of course spread open my legs nine weeks later and inserted a coathanger into me. Zoe, her name could have been, didn't stand a chance.
I don't know where my life will lead me next. I don't know if I'll ever have another abortion, or if I'm pregnant right now and will be coathanger massacring my next spawn in a matter of minutes. But I want to thank you all for being a part of..
The Coathanger Abortions
Tragic.
