We here at the Ecks Factor (and by we, I mean I... and the voices in my head) wish you all a Happy New Year. It's that time of year where we all resolve to break certain habits or plan to better ourselves. Well celebrities are no different, and I have a sneak peek at some of the best new year's resolutions from various television stars, shows and networks as 2013 is only hours old. It's unbelievable that I got my hands on these but I would be a fool to not share with you the totally legit* resolutions from your favorites in television.
Jay Leno's 2013 Resolution
I resolve to stop holding on to my Tonight Show money in 2013 and spend it wisely! I'm in a very generous mood lately and I plan to give it to someone who really needs it: me! I also resolve to stop holding on to the Tonight Show itself. I screwed over David Letterman 20 years ago, then I screwed over Conan O'Brien three years ago. But Letterman is hosting his own thing on CBS! And Conan is... well anyway, it's time to groom my successor. Who is it in line? ... Jimmy Fallon. Huh. Maybe it's best if I resolve to lay off the sweets instead.
Simon Cowell's 2013 Resolution
I resolve to stop going to such major extremes in hiring judges for The X Factor. First I scraped the bottom of the barrel to find Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger in 2011. Then I aimed high and got Britney Spears this past year. What a waste of $15 million. This year, I resolve to keep Demi Lovato and hire people who aren't afraid to give actual criticisms. I also resolve to make One Direction the biggest band of all time. Beatles? Stones? Nothing on 1D. Also, I resolve to show more cleavage. Less is more, but more is also more.
Britney Spears 2013 Resolution
Hey 2012. You were amazing! I mean I can't even wrap my head around how awesome you were to me. I got paid like a bazillion dollars to basically look pretty on national television. That British guy told me like a bazillion people watch the show. I think it was a singing show? I don't know, it was like one big concert or something. But it was weird, cause I don't think anyone was pretending to sing, y'know? Like they were really singing. Then they would stop to ask me what I thought of everyone, which was kind of weird. I've never been to a concert like that, ya'll. Have you, 2012? Silly me. You're a year, 2012. You can't answer me... cause it's 2013! What's up, 2013? Yeah, me too. That British guy hasn't talked to me since the concert ended. I'm sure that's fine, ya'll.
NBC's 2013 Resolution
2012 2011 2010 2009 2008 2007 2006 is the year NBC finally puts itself back on the map with strong ratings and incredible new programming. We've renewed The Voice for sixteen more seasons. We lost Christina Aguilera and Cee Lo Green, but it's fine. We hired Usher and Shakira in their place. We've enjoyed success with a few new shows on our schedule, including The New Normal, Go On and Revolution. But we're not stopping there. We're all about synergy here and we want to expand. Coming in 2013, your favorites are undergoing minor title changes. Go On will now be called Go On The Voice. Guys With Kids will now be Guys With Kids Who Will Grow Up to Audition on The Voice. Up All Night? How about Up All Night Waiting for The Next Episode of The Voice? And finally, Chicago Fire will now be called Chicago's On Fire Because They're Watching The Voice! Fingers crossed for 2013! If not, there's always 2014/15/16/17/18......
The Writers of The Big Bang Theory's 2013 Resolution
We resolve to continue writing lowest common denominator material for our show, including obvious jokes, undeveloped characters and nerd humor that non-nerds will only laugh at because nerds are funny. And nerdy. And if we think a joke isn't good enough, we'll make sure the actors yell the lines to make it funnier. BAZINGA!
Bonus 2013 Resolution from Jim Parsons
I resolve to continue portraying the most grating character on television as the most grating character on television because, inexplicably, people love Sheldon. BAZINGA!
The Promo Department for American Idol's Latest Season's 2013 Resolution
We resolve to continue pushing whatever current season of American Idol it is as the best season ever, even though we haven't produced a legitimate singer since Carrie Underwood. Any buzz for singers like Haley Reinhart, Scotty McCreery and Phillip Phillips will continue to be overshadowed by the buzz surrounding our revolving door of judges, this season being Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj. We resolve to continue building the non-existent, but-totally-legit feud between Carey and Minaj for ratings because that's what matters. Oh yeah, and we resolve to maybe put a little focus on the singers. If we have time.
ABC's 2013 Resolution
We resolve to continue putting the best programming possible on the air.
The Audience's 2013 Resolution
We resolve to continue NOT watching ABC.
NBC's 2013 Resolution, Part II
Wait, we're not done! We're also planning on spinning off The Voice for the upcoming season. Stay tuned for The Voice: Kids Edition, The Voice: Senior Citizen's Edition, The Voice: Animals That Can Sing Edition, The Voice: Teaching Carson Daly How to Host Edition, The Voices in Your Head, The Voice on The Other End of the Phone: Crank Calls Edition, and The Voiceless: Teaching Mutes to Sing Edition.
AMC's 2013 Resolution
We resolve to continue not knowing what the hell we're doing with all these original shows. We resolve to continue giving massive support to Mad Men and its creator, Matthew Weiner, in exchange for shabby treatment for higher-rated hits like Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead. We resolve to find a proper showrunner for The Walking Dead after the quitting/firing of Glen Mazzara. We then resolve to drive The Walking Dead into the ground, frustrating its fans and ultimately screwing it over because we really have no idea what to do with TV shows. We're a movie channel, remember? It's right in our name. What do you think the "M" stands for!? Oh and we'll continue to cancel, un-cancel, and re-cancel shows like The Killing, because, seriously, we don't know what to do!!
I guess that leaves my own personal resolution for the Ecks Factor in 2013. I resolve to continue posting columns on a sporadic basis, make false promises to catch up on favorites like Homeland and Mad Men, and complain incessantly about shows no one else cares about like The X Factor.
Until next time, stay tuned.
*legit-ness not guaranteed